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Post 2165
- 7 years and 288 days since I started this blog -
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Tonight I went to an open mic, and had an enjoyable time playing, and then joined some of the musicians for a drink and some conversation.
I have to confess that, while I like both of the guys I was hanging with, I experienced some internal discomfort as we talked into the night.
Why? Because I was treated as a capital-E Elder. Someone who has answers. Someone worthy of attention, maybe a bit of deference. It is an unusual role. And I struggled with ambivalent feelings it raised.
Given the lifestyle of my teen-to-twenties years, I've likely outlived my expiration date by many decades. I've gotten old; in years, anyway. But I'm a mixed bag of parts, some have matured, some have not, all are in play. Everything is on the spectrum of non-functional to working better than ever, with, I think, only a few at the extremes.
So, in this situation, I feel a lot of things: unworthy, validated, surprised, appreciated. I'm not used to it!
I've lived long enough now to come to terms with a lot of things that I, and most people, at least in this culture, struggle with. I have, just through surviving, had a lot of experiences. I'm experienced. And I have stories. Oh, do I have stories (and not a short one in the pack).
And with that experience, I've accumulated some knowledge. But I don't trust that knowledge, because I don't trust human memory. It is said that every recollection alters the memory. It has already been demonstrated to me many times: Friends remember experiences we've participated in differently than I do, and some come down somebody misremembering (not just having different perceptions at the time).
So, these guys are listening to me. They're asking questions. And as attention-seeking as I am, it brings some unwanted, maybe neglected, emotions to the front. For one thing, there's the question of, is this the way it should be now? Because I'm not used to this.
Is it too egotistical for me to enjoy the feeling of being paid attention to? I don't think so, but it would be monstrously narcissistic to think that I deserve this. Because that would mean all the other times I speak with people and am not paid attention to should make me feel bad. And that's ridiculous. People's attention reflects more internal processes than external stimulus.
I am not saying I am not egocentric. But, not all the time. I do enjoy talking, especially conversations. I also like it when I feel like I am being paid attention to, in little and big ways. I think everybody likes it when they feel appreciated.
But I don't take it for granted, and I try not to let it go to my head. I don't have any answers, really. I'm just making it up as I go along, like everyone else.
And I never, ever, forget to be grateful.
I have to confess that, while I like both of the guys I was hanging with, I experienced some internal discomfort as we talked into the night.
Why? Because I was treated as a capital-E Elder. Someone who has answers. Someone worthy of attention, maybe a bit of deference. It is an unusual role. And I struggled with ambivalent feelings it raised.
Given the lifestyle of my teen-to-twenties years, I've likely outlived my expiration date by many decades. I've gotten old; in years, anyway. But I'm a mixed bag of parts, some have matured, some have not, all are in play. Everything is on the spectrum of non-functional to working better than ever, with, I think, only a few at the extremes.
So, in this situation, I feel a lot of things: unworthy, validated, surprised, appreciated. I'm not used to it!
I've lived long enough now to come to terms with a lot of things that I, and most people, at least in this culture, struggle with. I have, just through surviving, had a lot of experiences. I'm experienced. And I have stories. Oh, do I have stories (and not a short one in the pack).
And with that experience, I've accumulated some knowledge. But I don't trust that knowledge, because I don't trust human memory. It is said that every recollection alters the memory. It has already been demonstrated to me many times: Friends remember experiences we've participated in differently than I do, and some come down somebody misremembering (not just having different perceptions at the time).
So, these guys are listening to me. They're asking questions. And as attention-seeking as I am, it brings some unwanted, maybe neglected, emotions to the front. For one thing, there's the question of, is this the way it should be now? Because I'm not used to this.
Is it too egotistical for me to enjoy the feeling of being paid attention to? I don't think so, but it would be monstrously narcissistic to think that I deserve this. Because that would mean all the other times I speak with people and am not paid attention to should make me feel bad. And that's ridiculous. People's attention reflects more internal processes than external stimulus.
I am not saying I am not egocentric. But, not all the time. I do enjoy talking, especially conversations. I also like it when I feel like I am being paid attention to, in little and big ways. I think everybody likes it when they feel appreciated.
But I don't take it for granted, and I try not to let it go to my head. I don't have any answers, really. I'm just making it up as I go along, like everyone else.
And I never, ever, forget to be grateful.
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 203.0 lbs.
Previous Weight (10/12/18): 205.0 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: - 2.0 lbs.
Diet Comment
Food Log
Breakfast
5:30pm: Prosciutto and eggs and a chopped salad (Spring Mix, spinach, cabbage, shaved parmesan, walnuts, balsamic vinaigrette).
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
12:30am: Salmon salad (salmon, homemade mayonnaise) with brussel sprouts and baby carrots with homemade mayonnaise.
Liquid Intake
5:30pm: Prosciutto and eggs and a chopped salad (Spring Mix, spinach, cabbage, shaved parmesan, walnuts, balsamic vinaigrette).
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
12:30am: Salmon salad (salmon, homemade mayonnaise) with brussel sprouts and baby carrots with homemade mayonnaise.
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 12 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 42+ oz.; and a Boston Lager
Please leave a comment when you visit my blog.
Thank you!
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