#1532, Friday, October 30: working good enough for now

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1532, Day 303 of 2015
- 1,764 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

As of today, I am exactly three months from retiring.

I wish I could say I had mixed feelings about that. I don't. I don't feel much of anything about it. In fact, that information is pretty meaningless at this point.

Except when it comes to how I work, because that is real time.

I am slacking. I am not ashamed or feeling bad about it, but there is no need for me to do career-oriented, career-advancing things. I don't need to take online classes (I have taken all the annual required classes due before my retirement day, there are no more of those).

I did my annual self-appraisal in 2 minutes, by copying last year's and just updating the 'example' projects I'd used. And I noted in it, under the 'Areas needing attention/improvement' that I would retire before they could be addressed.

I've also completely given up trying to be punctual. Where in this past year, I've paid minimal attention to punctuality, now I'm paying none at all.

In my mind, it's like visualizing: I'm living now, to a great degree, how I expect to be living after I retire, even though that makes me a slightly worse employee.

Before you think of this negatively, you have to realize that I am getting 100% of my work done.

Nothing extra, but all of it.

I think that's pretty good.

Good enough for now.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   206.4 lbs.

Previous Weight (10/29):          207.2 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                    - 0.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

Nothing off-plan yesterday, and a little loss. Good.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
At Core:

Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and romaine, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg, broccoli, mushrooms and bleu cheese dressing). Not shown: A bowl of butternut squash soup.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner
Roast beef. Sriracha chicken breast. A Quest bar.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Water: 62+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1531, Thursday, October 29: Resolving unfinished business, somehow.

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1531, Day 302 of 2015
- 1,763 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

The more you stay in the moment (even when those times are a small percentage of the whole, which is really the case with me), the less you notice the passage of time.

And the rate at which time passes seems compressed.

Five years today, I was called for an interview at the VA. I'm thirty-six days away from the fifth anniversary of my first day on the job.

It may be a cliche, but it seems like yesterday.

Like Billy Pilgrim, I am unstuck in time. At least in my head. My past constantly reminds me of the present, and vice-versa. My timeline makes a knot, becomes non-linear.

Weeks, months, decades later, I realize something new about some past event. Including a few things I wish I'd known/said/done. Some thing will happen in my present, and I will find myself lost (again, in my thoughts) in some relevant memory, from which I glean some connection to my present.

These little intrusions of my personal (and completely subjective) past into my present-day thoughts are recognized for what they are: imaginary and fictional.

I am grateful to have repressed (at least for the moment), negatives. I can't remember the last time one of these bridges between past and current perception was anything but positive, even if unsettling. It feels more like getting closure or resolution of some unfinished business.

I think that's pretty cool - at least, it feels good.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   207.2 lbs.

Previous Weight (10/27):          205.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                    + 2.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

Yesterday, I had a slightly high consumption of grains at lunch and also at a late dinner. A bit off-plan. Terrible results. So it goes.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner
Scrambled eggs with peppers, onions and cheese, a wild-caught salmon patty, and a Quest bar.

Snack
Cheese and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 98+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1530, Wednesday, October 28: Good problems to have.

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1530, Day 301 of 2015
- 1,762 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

It isn't what people do when everything is running smoothly, it's what happens when they don't.

Too many musicians showed up at last night's open mic (where I am in the house band).

And the principles of our open mic got a bit trampled.

I'm waiting to see how we'll adapt.

This is the problem with good intentions. For the first three weeks, we had a good, but not excessive turnout, a couple of times we ran a little late to accommodate some people who came after the initial sign-up.

Last night, if the only people who showed up were the ones who contacted me asking to be put on the list, we could have easily filled our three hours.

But I'm not the guy running the list. The non-performing leader of the open mic has sole control of the list. And he, too, was taking names leading up to the open mic.

Then there are the good people who show up at sign-up time, rightfully expecting playing time. By the time the list was made, last night, some of these people were told they'd have to wait three hours to play.

That isn't good, but here is the good thing: It's a sign of too much success, and it isn't an insoluble problem. We have to adapt.

And I'm happy to be working with people who are willing and able to do that.

Yeah, grateful for even these kinds of problems.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   205.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (10/27):          204.4 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                    + 0.6 lbs.

Diet Comment

I guess this is what maintaining is. Eating a dinner consisting entirely of bacon may or may not have been the culprit, but I think it was the slightly under-average water consumption.

Food Log

Breakfast
At the Syracuse VA Medical Center:

Scrambled eggs and sausage.

Lunch
At CORE:

Spicy Ginger Steak with Quinoa Bone Broth Bowl (hearth bone broth, grilled steak, quinoa, broccoli, carrots, scallions, slivered almonds, ginger, cilantro, sriracha). Not shown: A bowl of butternut squash soup and a Quest bar.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner
Grilled cheese sandwich made with Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread with guacamole and cole slaw.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 8 oz.;  Water: 80+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1529, Tuesday, October 27: Much ado about nothing and time and space

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1529, Day 300 of 2015
- 1,761 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Predestination? Free will? I don't know. I can argue either side, but these days I'm leaning toward an odd combination of the two, which doesn't make sense except if there is no actual 'Time' to plot your behavior, and how your decisions play out in a 'future' that doesn't exist.

The best I can say is, that if time is an illusion, we've "done" whatever we're going to "do". Whatever choice we would make (free will), we've made (predestination).

On the other hand, that being the case, and since our consciousness and awareness usually only works in the jungles of space and time, the question is meaningless, and demands a perspective of timelessness. And, from that perspective the question is moot. To me, it doesn't actually require a lot of thought, and also very little energy.

Because our thoughts, those bits (pun intended) of bioelectric, biochemical processes that we use to describe our material world and to narrate our experience, are always lagging behind what is actually happening. That we attempt to understand our Universe and our place in it through cogitation is a perceptual illusion.

One we live with, because outside the illusion of time and space, our material thoughts, our 'minds', our bodies exist only as parts of a whole concealed from us.

This consciousness is everything. It is, basically, indivisible, and seeing it as 'other' is the Prime Illusion.

Sorry for the long, stoned-sounding soliloquy. This is my version of Seinfeld's show 'about nothing'.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   204.4 lbs

Previous Weight (10/26):          204.4 lbs

Net Loss/Gain:                    - 0.0 lbs

Diet Comment

Five Quest bars yesterday. That's just being lazy. However, all five together have around 850 calories, so most of the food calories that maintained my weight was from fat. There were a little excess carbs from some Ezekiel sprouted-grain toast, and I think without that one (later-night) contribution, might have lost a little, but maintaining? Good.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch

Roasted turkey breast chopped salad: shaved Parmesan cheese, baby kale, baby spinach, chard, cole slaw mix and balsamic vinaigrette.

Dinner
Bacon.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 52+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1528, Monday, October 26: The paradox of change and suffering

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1528, Day 299 of 2015
- 1,760 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I embrace change. Mostly. I still 'suffer' when things change in ways that seem adverse. It takes some time to adjust, and that, unfortunately, usually comes with some discomfort.

There is also the idea that change is not what I think it is. Not to get overly metaphysical, but if space and time are nonexistent, as I believe they are, then so is change. Because we use time and space to measure change.

If time and space aren't there, and the way we understand changes are differences in space over time, than nothing happens.

If everything is consciousness, then everything just is. If everything is, then what we perceive as changes (differences over time) doesn't happen. It's a perceptual illusion.

On the other hand, we do spend our lives within that illusion, and can't function in the "real" (material) world otherwise.

Because outside the illusion of time and space, we have no needs. No need to eat, no need to protect our 'selves' and no need to communicate. It's all done in the infinite confines of 'Now'.

Buddhism teaches us that not living in the 'Now', our attachment to the Space and Time illusion, is the source of all suffering.

It also teaches that you can end suffering by living without attachments. Of course that includes attachment to the idea or goal of ending suffering. Hmmm - wanting to end suffering means you can't end it. You have to, I guess, not care.

"Catch-22. That's some catch." (Capt. Yossarian, "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller).

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   204.4 lbs

Previous Weight (10/23):          204.8 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 0.4 lbs

Diet Comment

OK - no damage done this weekend, a good thing. And, now, here we go with another week.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Roast beef and a salad baby kale, baby spinach, chard, arugula, and shaved parmesan cheese.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner
Quest bars, toast with guacamole, cole slaw and celery with home-made mayonnaise.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Water: 88+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1527, Friday, October 23: My son hates fruit

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1527, Day 296 of 2015
- 1,757 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

It is a gorgeous day at the peak of Fall foliage here in Central New York.

After not getting home until 2:30am, I took the morning off and slept in, reporting in after lunch (which was really breakfast).

Today, the season-ending episode of the Alex's (my son and his partner, Alex Lewis) youTube series, Kellerman Hates Fruit appeared. Which I am in. For anybody who doesn't get it, this is the link to see the episode: www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjTRvl5ZHtg.

I am very proud of my son. Being my son can't be the easiest thing in this world, although, I swear, momma, I tried.

I maintain that at every age, my son has been better than I was at that age. He has demonstrated more maturity earlier than I ever did, and has demonstrated compassion and talent all the way.

I think that's exactly where I'm going to leave it today. Enjoy the video, and...

Enjoy the weekend.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   204.8 lbs

Previous Weight (10/22):          205.4 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 0.6 lbs

Diet Comment

Staying on track. We'll see if I can keep this going through the weekend. Hint: I think I can.

Food Log

Breakfast
Skipped.

Lunch
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Dinner
Cheeseburger, scrambled eggs, cole slaw and a Quest bar for dessert.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1526, Thursday, October 22: Making music under a cloud...

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1526, Day 295 of 2015
- 1,756 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Last night a band member went off on me. He just unloaded with a list of complaints about me and shortcomings of mine he felt were negatives. As far as I can tell, none of his complaints were justified, and nothing I did to set him off (which was ask him for a little money he owed me from a past gig) justified the disrespect he showed me.

On the other hand, after immediately exiting so as not to continue the confrontation, I felt very badly.

At least I did until I remembered that other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business. The things he said were entirely and completely about his own struggles, not mine. Then, I was able to let go of my anger.

Almost immediately after, he texted me an apology.

It occurs to me that he might be better off finding a bass player who he didn't disrespect and treat as an adversary, but that is just my opinion, and I will keep it to myself. I cannot have any idea what is going on behind his anger. I still enjoy playing in the band, mostly, and the band is a good source of cash for me. It doesn't serve my interests to quit, although if the measures I take to not have a repeat of this uncomfortable situation don't work, I can't see it being in anyone's best interests to continue.

But I know enough not to be attached to that kind of situation. I've suffered from having that kind of attachment before (and probably will again).

I don't need any particular surroundings to enjoy making music, but since I favor ensemble playing, I do need other players. Luckily, there's an awesome local supply. And I've quit and been fired from enough bands to have desensitized me to that. Not being in this or that band, or in any band, has turned out not to be an impediment to playing and being happy.

I also know better than to make any predictions about how this will play out (pun intended). That would only make things worse.

Meanwhile, gigging tonight with the same guy, all went well, and it was a good and fun gig.

Music heals everything.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   205.4 lbs

Previous Weight (10/21):          207.4 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 2.0 lbs

Diet Comment

Better! Back on track.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch

Salmon salad (Wild Alaska pink salmon, celery, mayonnaise) on baby kale, baby spinach, chard and cole slaw mix.

Dinner
London broil, scrambled eggs, cole slaw.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 68+ oz. A shot of Redbreast Irish whiskey.

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1525, Wednesday, October 21; Talking with lost friends

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1525, Day 294 of 2015
- 1,755 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I often think about friends - good friends - I had who fell away out of my life.

Often, I have conversations with them (in my head, of course, as they no longer see me as a friend).

I don't think this is too crazy. A little crazy, maybe, but not too. Here's why.

I don't change their character. And, I do most of the talking in these imaginary dialogs.

I hash out both sides of issues we disagreed on. I let them have their say. Sometimes I imagine I can literally hear their voices.

It gives me clarity.

Of course, as far as I can tell, it does nothing for them.

This is the sad part of losing friends.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   207.4 lbs

Previous Weight (10/20):          206.6 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                + 0.8 lbs

Diet Comment

Ouch! Could it have been the bacon (I lost weight eating more bacon for dinner last week)? The apple cider (maybe, but 10 ounces of mildly alcoholic apple juice? Really?)? Or the late-night, low-calorie, low-carb snack of Quest bars? Day-am! I really thought I was on track yesterday.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Dinner 
At Eskapes: 

A "BST Salad" with blackened salmon (BST is blackened bacon, spinach and tomato).

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz. A glass of pinot noir

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1524, Tuesday, October 20: Optimism well-served

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1524, Day 293 of 2015
- 1,754 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

It makes no sense that, given my understanding (as opposed to my perception) of time, I have an optimistic outlook.

But I won't let that deter me.

I completely buy into the idea that time is a human-made construct that doesn't exist outside of our imaginations. We think in causal terms, we see a sequence of events unfolding... sequentially; we order things chronologically, but we have scientific evidence that this perception, these observations of the passage of time, are not the way things work.

I still wake up every day full of gratitude just for the opportunity to experience . Unbelievable! Another day.

I have said many times that I have no skill at predicting the future. Not mine, certainly not anyone else's. All I have to say is, I've known my share of tragedy, and yet, despite all, despite my fear (which always and only comes from contemplating the future) here I am, having the best time of my life.

So I have come to believe in a Safe Universe (one that is neutral, not a place of danger and threat), and that things work out for the best.

In my admittedly blessed life (even though, historically, one that has seen many troubles), that is my observation, my belief.

Could I be wrong? Am I just a fool, a dreamer, delusional? Of course.

In fact, I'm all these things, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. Or right.

But I will optimistically guess that my view, which has served me well, will continue to serve me well.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   206.6 lbs

Previous Weight (10/19):          208.0 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 1.4 lbs

Diet Comment

Still recovering from last week's weight gain. Winning.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
At Core:

Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and romaine, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg, broccoli, mushrooms and bleu cheese dressing). Not shown: A bowl of butternut squash soup.

Dinner 
At the Flat Iron Grill: Bacon. And a bottle of hard apple cider (fail!).

Snack
Quest bars.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Water: 94+ oz. 

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!

 

#1523, Monday, October 19: Gratitude vs. Adversity

 Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you! 

Post 1523, Day 292 of 2015
- 1,753 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I've been feeling old. I felt it in the days leading up to the weekend, and I felt it big-time over the weekend.

And it snowed, too. Just a little, but geez...

How lucky am I? Living long enough to feel old! And living through feeling old to write about it.

I still wake up every day (lucky!) feeling full of gratitude just for waking up. Unbelievable! Another day.

And that's a day that, forty years ago, I never thought would come for me. So now it is another day filled with promise. The potential for further adventure. Adventure because I don't know what unexpected things might happen (if any), and I know that my continued survival is not guaranteed.

Another day to celebrate that "danger". Another opportunity to make some music. Or have a conversation with a friend; or even make a new friend.

Even if I 'waste' the day (is that possible?), it is a day bringing me closer to the next time I might make some music, make a friend, or be pleasantly surprised by what comes unexpectedly my way.

My friend who inspired my Daily Comment from last Thursday ("Good and bad people and things"), who had painful back surgery, followed by the news that his parents had been in a car crash, and his father had to be hospitalized, had more trauma: He had to put down his dog, his loyal companion for over eleven years, since a puppy.

Even in his physical and emotional pain, we discussed the things he has to be grateful for, to keep him going. Yes, that doesn't mean he doesn't hurt, doesn't grieve, but it means that he hasn't given up on life.

I was very grateful to him for setting such a good example of gratitude overcoming adversity. It's really no contest. Gratitude defeats adversity always.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   208.0 lbs

Previous Weight (10/16):          209.8 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 1.8 lbs

Diet Comment

Some progress over the weekend, but I have to do more and better.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch

Omelet with peppers, onion, greens, cheese and bacon.

Snack
Celery and home-made mayonnaise.

Dinner 
Roast beef and cole slaw.

Snack
Quest bars.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz. 

Please leave a comment if you visit my blog. Thank you!