Wednesday, August 31, 2016

#1722, Wednesday, August 31: The joy of singing


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Post 1722, Day 244 of 2016
- 2,070 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
As far back as I can remember, I've liked to sing.

The first songs I sang were children's songs. Children were encouraged to sing back in the middle of the last Century. The first adult song I sang was 'Happy Trails' by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. At four years old, I thought Roy Rogers was the coolest guy in the world. Cooler than the Lone Ranger, who was cool but didn't sing.

Then there was my beloved Aunt Dorothy. She played guitar and I was obsessed with the magic that created in me. Singing along with her and her guitar is one of the 'happy place' memories of my childhood. Also, it was relatively rare, and therefore precious.

When I started playing guitar, at age nine, the emphasis was on learning folk songs, and playing accompaniment to singing. At the same time, in elementary school, I was in the glee club. Enter Miss Marlene Feingold, PS 209's music teacher (she also taught 5th grade). She gave me private lessons on guitar for about a year. A little bit of classical, and a songbook of American folk songs.

I learned a lot about a lot of things from her, but not much guitar - that's on me, but I was beset with social problems arising from skipping third grade and being a nine-year old among far more mature and socialized ten- and eleven-year olds.

But I digress. It was the time of the great folk revival of the early 60s, and I kept on playing guitar and singing. When things got more electric and I was in high school (now with a two-year gap after skipping eighth grade), I was musically left behind, being unamplified.

So, in my first bands, I was the lead singer. I had good range back then.

Then, at the end of my Senior year came the bass. And, while I didn't stop singing, I stopped singing a lot - I didn't have the skills to sing and play bass at the same time, although I tried.

Singing became a private pleasure. Something that I usually did while playing guitar, and that became rarer as well, once I started focusing my music on bass.

In the last five years, I've begun singing out again. I've picked up the guitar more often, and only two years ago, did my first open mic 'set' as a singing guitarist, which coincided with my first case of 'nerves' in decades. Since then I've done it more, and more fully incorporated singing and playing bass. Open mics have become a vocal outlet for me, as much as I can make that happen.

I really enjoy it. I try to 'sell' every song I sing, I'm very performance-focused. It's fun. And, I get good feedback.


It is just another thing that makes me happy. I'm so grateful to be able to do that.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      201.8 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/30):              202.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.4 lbs.

Diet Comment
Continued good behavior, and I'm down, but ending August more than a pound heavier than when I came in. Still, back to the trend line, and the trend is still down-sloped for the year, and all is well.

Food Log 
Breakfast
11:45pm, at CoreLife Eatery (I think this is the end of the name evolution for my favorite local restaurant):
Tuna poke salad with: Kale, cabbage, quinoa, cucumber, carrots, scallions, ginger,edamame, avocado, tuna poke, sesame seeds, almonds and miso-sesame dressing.
Lunch
6:55pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner
12:45am:  Dubliner cheese and pork rinds.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 0;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 94+ oz. and two shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

#1721, Tuesday, August 30: The non-equivalence of pain and suffering


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Post 1721, Day 243 of 2016
- 2,069 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I have always thought pain and suffering are two different things. Not necessarily unconnected, but different.

Of course, like all things I think, I may be wrong. If I am not, I do have to allow for overlap.

When I stated to a friend (as a matter of intellectual discussion), the Buddhist concept that suffering is caused by attachment, he responded that, no, not all suffering is caused by attachment. As an example, he said, "If I stab you, you will suffer."

I don't agree. I can think of several scenarios to being stabbed that don't involve suffering. The first one that came to mind was dying as a result of being stabbed. That would be an end to suffering as we know it.

If I don't die, I will have pain, but if I get medical attention and pain drugs, I might not suffer. I have some personal experience in this matter (not stabbing, but close).

In 1977, I had my first kidney stone. I was in a lot of pain, and ended up in the hospital, where I was given a morphine drip. Suffering ended, the pain became something detached. I was in for a few days, the stone disappeared. I had a vision.

I think pain and suffering have a similar relationship to each other as feelings and emotions. The former is a transitory experience, the latter, the story we tell that prolongs that transitory experience.

I think, in fact, we are victimized by a Western point-of-view that sees them as being largely equivalent (dictionary definition I looked up when writing this does), where other philosophies allow for separate consideration.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      202.2 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/29):              203.0 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.8 lbs.

Diet Comment
Good for reversing the weekend gain.

Food Log 
Breakfast
3:45pm:
Beef and lentil curry with chia and hemp seeds over steamed cauliflower with sauteed greens.
Lunch
6:55pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner
12:05am:  Cottage cheese, celery with home-made mayonnaise, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 88+ oz.

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Monday, August 29, 2016

#1720, Monday, August 29: Let's just get it over with. Please!


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Post 1720, Day 242 of 2016
- 2,068 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
This will be quick.

I am tired of the Presidential election. I cannot see where any voters are going to change their minds between now and election day. No changes in candidate rhetoric are credible at this point.

It's all noise now, and I don't know anybody undecided.

Let's have the election and be done with it.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      203.0 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/26):              200.8 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     +   2.2 lbs.

Diet Comment
Weekend weight. Nothing to do but start eating right again today.

Food Log 
Breakfast
6:45pm:  Green protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch
6:05pm:  Dubliner cheese, pork rinds and a Quest bar.

Dinner
12:55am:  Cottage cheese, celery with home-made mayonnaise, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  24 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz.

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Friday, August 26, 2016

#1719, Friday, August 26: WTF: Facebook fame


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Post 1719, Day 239 of 2016
- 2,065 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I'm somewhat amused by the fact that there are people I don't know who 'know' me.

I'm not surprised by this - most of my socializing is done in public, and usually involves me playing at some point. So, people see me, and hear my name without introducing themselves.

And, of course, there's Facebook.

Being in the (local) public eye as much as I am, I end up in a lot of photos that make their way onto Facebook. The last six years of my life I have had more pics taken of me than the sixty years before that - maybe five times as many! So, people who haven't seen me in person have seen pics of me.

Last night (Thursday night), I went to check out Kellish Hill Farm, a twenty-five minute drive from home, where there is a barn used exclusively as a music venue. I have agreed to perform in a fundraiser there in September. They were having an open mic there. I walked in, and it was a barnful of strangers. At least, that's what I thought initially; later, I realized I knew a musician, and, much later, the sound guy.

I took a step further into the room, and Kathy Kellish, the proprieter, came running up to me, saying, "I'm so happy you're here!" Then, turned around and yelled, from the back of the room, "Hey, everybody, Reverend Ken is here!".

Everybody turned around and applauded.

It was a "WTF?" moment for me. I was embarrassed. There was a performance going on on-stage at the time. It was rude!

The only contact I had ever had with Kathy was in a couple of Facebook messages arranging my appearance at the benefit.

A few of the people introduced themselves to me as Facebook friends, and said they were happy to finally see me in person.

Which is when I realized the power of Facebook, maybe for the first time.

The 'me' on Facebook is only a virtual person with no real substance. But it is, apparently, a conduit to the living, breathing me.

WTF indeed.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      200.8 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/25):              202.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.4 lbs.

Diet Comment
Losing three pounds in two days gets me back below the trend line. Way to start the weekend!

Food Log 
Breakfast
12:35pm:  Dal Tadka (lentil curry) with sauteed spinach and spring mix, over quinoa with chia and hemp seeds.

Lunch
4:05pm:  Chopped salad with Roast beef, Dubliner cheese, baby spinach, Spring Mix, cabbage and balsamic vinaigrette and a Quest bar.

Dinner
10:45pm:  Cole slaw, celery with home-made mayonnaise, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 16 oz.;  Water: 96+ oz.

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Thursday, August 25, 2016

#1718, Thursday, August 25: Bragging in the background


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Post 1718, Day 238 of 2016
- 2,064 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I had something special happen last Wednesday night I want to tell you about.

Warning: A little bit of an ego trip (shut up! I know my problems with egocentricity!) here. But it happened, and it made me feel good.

About 8 months ago, I saw a young woman sing, accompanied by a guitarist, at Shifty's open mic. She was very pretty, but that wasn't enough to keep people from walking out on her shrieky performance. But I noticed two things: The first, that she was sitting. The second was that her accompaniment wasn't up to supporting a nervous vocalist.

I thought I heard something promising, and, since we were practically the only people in the bar at the end of her two songs, I suggested that next time she sang, she should try to know what songs she wanted to sing before she got onstage, and try to get a trio - guitar, bass and drums - to back her. If she could tell them the songs in advance, and the keys, she would have better backing, would feel more comfortable, and give a better performance as a result.

Next time came, she asked if I would help her on her set beforehand, I got a guitarist, we figured out the songs she wanted, and her performance did improve (both because she was incrementally more experienced and her backing was more supportive.

Hit and miss over the next seven months, whenever we were in the same place, she would ask me to accompany her, and felt more and more comfortable doing sets with me on bass. For one thing, I had gotten to know her repertoire, and could support her by cuing the guitarist and drummer; for another, I played meat-and-potatoes, supportive bass lines that the other musicians and she could lock into.

Which brings us to this past Wednesday. She was on the deck on the street with a bunch of her friends (20-something women, a couple of 20-something boyfriends) as I walked up to Shifty's (after playing at another open mic). She told me she had signed me up after her, hoping I'd show up and back her up.

I agreed.

When we played, it was with some really top musicians. With these pros, everything swung, everything about her backup was perfect. And she killed it.

It was very rewarding to see people crowding the stage to get nearer to her performance, when just over seven months ago they'd run in the other direction. She gave a very intense performance, including some posing and leaning into each song, really belting it out. The audience went crazy!

I was pleased.

Oh, and she sang standing.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      202.2 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/24):              203.8 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.6 lbs.

Diet Comment
Nice to see green on the Net Loss/Gain line. It hasn't been there in a while. One day of eating on-plan. That's all it took.

Food Log 
Breakfast
6:15pm:  Green protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:25am:  A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  28 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz.;  and a nice shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

#1717, Wednesday, August 24: More non-emoting


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Post 1717, Day 237 of 2016
- 2,063 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
One thing I have always had on my side - I am not prone to panic.

I actually am the guy who can remain calm when everyone else is out-of-control.

I think this is the result of the psychological abuse I suffered as a child. In the face of my mother's raging - often feeling like the sole object of her fury - I taught myself to go blank. To change my affect and my thoughts to neutral. To dissociate myself, my reactions, my thoughts, from my feelings.

In emergency situations, I use that same ability.

There have been times when this 'calm' in the face of danger or loss has been celebrated, and times when I have been vilified for it.

In the latter, it amounts to an assessment that I am cold and unfeeling, when the situation seemingly demands a big emotional response. It is seen as robotic, in a 'naturally' emotionally-charged scene.

My new-found understanding of the difference between emotions and feelings brought this to light. Even when reacting with calm, I am aware of my feelings, and they are the same as the ones that make other people very emotional.

Remember (from Monday) the difference: Emotions are the stories we tell each other - and act out - about our feelings. Feelings are genuine responses, but they dissipate quickly once the original stimulus is removed. Emotions prevent that dissipation, re-stimulating the original feeling, preventing the natural fading away.

When my son Alex was four old, he had his tonsils out. The surgeon nicked an artery in his throat, which was not discovered until he'd been home for about three hours, and puked up a lot of blood he'd been swallowing since the afternoon surgery.

I don't remember ever being more frightened, but I needed to act efficiently to save his life. I quickly called the hospital, bundled him up, and took him to the emergency room. By the time we got there, he was unconscious and cyanotic - blue lips, all ruddiness gone from his skin-tone. The cut was quickly patched, and he needed a transfusion.

In the hospital room, while he was sleeping his ordeal off, out of danger, but still with the possibility of damage from blood loss, Nell (who had gone from hysteria to quiet sobbing over the course of the ordeal) screamed at me for not caring about what happened. How our son almost died, and here I was, looking like nothing had happened.

My not panicking had saved his life, but since it also meant not emoting at the same time, it was villainously cold-blooded. Pun intended.

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood..."

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      203.8 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/23):              203.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.6 lbs.

Diet Comment
This is due to too much of a bad thing. Dark chocolate-covered fruit is irresistible, and I should never have made the purchase. I attribute it to bad drugs. Today, I threw them away (not the drugs, the chocolates).

Food Log 
Breakfast
11:45pm, at CoreLife:
Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and spinach, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg and blue cheese dressing with a little sriracha).
Lunch
5:00pm:   A Quest bar.

Dinner
11:15pm:  Roast beef, cottage cheese and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 0;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 78+ oz.;  and a nice shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

#1716, Tuesday, August 23: No comment


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Post 1716, Day 236 of 2016
- 2,062 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
"I got nothing to say, but it's okay. Good morning!"

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      203.2 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/22):              203.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment
At least my rising weight stopped (only to resume tomorrow, given the fail of my post-lunch eating.

Food Log 
Breakfast
4:10pm:  
Omelet with peppers, onion, greens, chia seeds, hemp seeds, parmesan cheese and bacon.
Lunch
8:00pm:   A Quest bar.

Dinner
11:15pm:  Brookside dark chocolate-covered gobi berries. Fail!

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 48+ oz.

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Monday, August 22, 2016

#1715, Monday, August 22: Feelings vs Emotions


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Post 1715, Day 235 of 2016
- 2,061 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I am reading "Faithfully Religionless" by Timber Hawkeye.

Slowly.

It's a memoir. He uses his personal anecdotes to illustrate his philosophy, his beliefs. I'm finding it very dense with good ideas.

He engages me on a very relatable level - I find it slow going because a lot of what I'm reading triggers thoughts and ideas of my own - slowing me down.

Today, I read his differentiation between feelings and emotions, which I tend to lump together as if they were the same.

I have been accused of being unemotional. I have taken this as an attack based on a misunderstanding, and often gotten defensive about it, usually in that I have normal amounts of emotions, I just tend not to be very expressive about it.

But I was wrong, according to my new understanding. What I have a normal amount of are feelings. I tend not to dramatize them, and that is why people think I am unemotional. Now I see it as pretty accurate, although I suspect there is still a lot of misunderstanding of the relationship between feelings and emotions.

And I see how people might not recognize my feelings because they aren't surrounded by familiar emotions that explain and dramatize them. Emotions are the PR version of feelings, the externalization of something internal.

I feel as though this book has enlightened me by clarifying ideas that were formless in my thinking. I'm reading it so slowly, that after three days, I'm only halfway through it, and it is only 137 pages long.

That's what happens when you have to stop reading so often to think, or just withdraw from the intensity of your feelings.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      203.2 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/19):              200.8 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     +   2.4 lbs.

Diet Comment
I ate terribly over the weekend - party food, mostly. Restaurants. I don't think I had a single low-carb, on-plan meal going since Friday. I feel like I got away with something with a two-and-a-half pound gain.

Food Log 
Breakfast
6:45pm:  London broil with broccoli, chia seeds, hemp seeds, and Dal Tadka (lentil curry) and cottage cheese.

Lunch
9:00pm:   A Quest bar.

Dinner
11:45pm:  Pepperoni and Dubliner cheese with cole slaw, celery and home-made mayonnaise, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 0;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 16 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz.

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Friday, August 19, 2016

#1714, Friday, August 19: Letting the little things slide


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Post 1714, Day 232 of 2016
- 2,058 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
Sometimes I feel embarrassed by my cheerful, optimistic view.

It seems too sweet, too simple, too naive.

Then I have a day like this one, where events conspire to spoil my mood.

In this case, it was going out to do some shopping, take care of a favor for a friend, and pick up a new prescription (replacing generic thyroid hormone supplement, which recently has been over-producing TH, with brand-name.

I walked out on this sunny hot day to find my car with a flat tire.

This entailed my first experience with the Kia donut replacement tire, and jack. But only after I had completely emptied the amps and gig equipment that live in the back of the Kia.

There were no intellectual challenges involved, but I could be very angry with the Kia engineers for their crappy tire-changing tools. By the time I'd gotten the amps back in my apartment storage bin, donut on, bad tire in the back (I couldn't see the reason for the flat, but the tire tread was markedly reduced), I had sweated through my t-shirt

I went upstairs and took my second shower of the day. Then I went to the place I bought the tire, and was faced with the large (unexpected and budget-busting) expense of replacing the tire.

On to my errands.

My new prescription cost just under a hundred bucks, out of pocket for a 3-month supply. That's more than I'd spent on prescription drugs in all of 2015 when both of my prescriptions were generic.

My initial reaction to all these events (as they unfolded) was a mix of anger, frustration, indignation. But that doesn't last even a minute. I have become adept at letting things go as I realize that the 'pain' of material loss is insubstantial, especially, as is the case here, when the expenditure is relatively mandatory and can be handled without causing (real) deprivation somewhere else.

In the past, I would have "awful-ized" this stuff, imagining what I would do with the money I had just spent if I hadn't had to spend it on these 'tragedies'. I might have fed my indignation or frustration.

I think my meditation practice, and my resonance with basic Buddhist principles has helped, along with my 'letting go' technique (when required... not often, as one of the side results of having it is not needing to use it as much).

These things let me deal with unpleasant circumstances, especially relatively little things, without getting emotionally roiled up.

Not to say I am unemotional, or that I have perfected my calm and tranquility. Far from it. I just try to handle it without self-destruction, without starting a negative feedback loop, trying to see how it effects my present circumstances.

In this case, the major effect on me was that I got a little unplanned-for exercise, took a lot longer to do errands than I had planned, and reduced the balance of my ready-reserve fund a little. I didn't miss any appointments, or hurt myself in any way in the present.

Since the pharmacy I use is at Wegman's, where I do my grocery shopping (not, today, on my errands list), I just bought my favorite ice cream (Bittersweet Sinphony - hey, I'd exercised!). Which was on sale.

Food and Diet
Today's Weight:                      200.8 lbs.
Previous Weight (8/18):              200.6 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.2 lbs.

Diet Comment
Completing a whole week of weight gain on a high note - gaining has slowed.
Food Log 
Breakfast
4:45pm:  A quart of Bittersweet Symphony ice cream, as a reward for a trying day (eating the whole quart was punishment for using an off-plan food treat for a reward).
Lunch
7:00pm:   A Quest bar.

Dinner
10:45pm:  London broil and a chopped salad with spinach, kale, chard, cabbage, celery, Dubliner cheese and balsamic vinegar dressing.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee:  0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz.

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