#2313: Wednesday, July 31: The diminished present

Post 2313

- 8 years and 212 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I've been thinking a lot about current events. Not the news kind, but things in my personal life.

Nothing that is going on is a threat to maintaining my current lifestyle, but what I see as the pending demise of I am Fool seems like a watershed moment for me.

That prospect became very real to me recently. I thought there was a way forward after J. lost his voice, but I'm not seeing any movement in that direction.

It hit me hard at the rehearsal a couple of days ago, when J. was 'testing' whether his voice had returned to full strength, but gave up after four songs. Asked to, I canceled our next upcoming gig on the spot.

When the discussion turned to the annual Fool Fest, (taking place a week after the newly canceled 'comeback' gig), it turned out that I am Fool would not be playing, and talk turned to the band lineup and schedule. Feeling I had no role anymore, I began to sulk like a spoiled child.

Not my best moment.

There is no closure. Nobody has declared the band over, but I sense it is. I'm in a state of confusion. In the present.

I feel like grieving, but with the band still on life support, it doesn't seem like the time yet. Things that were proposed could still be ratcheted up, but to me it seems like it should have happened weeks  (if not months) ago, and didn't because someone didn't like it.

Still, my sense of loss is very real to me. The band has been like family, I have always felt it to be a fundamental ingredient in my happiness. But since I returned from my Winter travels, all band-related things have gone from bad to worse.

If the band were to continue in the direction it has taken the last five months, getting together and learning new cover songs, I would take my leave. I consider every cover song we've ever played to be a wasted opportunity to play an original, and I can't imagine continuing in that mode.

It might be time for me to leave the band and leave Syracuse. 

The sadness and fear I feel at this weighs heavily on me.

I am grateful for the wonderful times with I am Fool and in Syracuse. I've been very happy.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    202.3 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/30/19):         202.3 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     + 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

From the At-Least-I-Didn't-Gain-Weight Dept. What more is there to say?

Food Log

Breakfast
6:10pm: Blue-green protein smoothie with almonds, kefir, large organic egg, chia gel, kale, spinach, blueberries, whey powder (24g protein), coconut oil, hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, moringa leaf powder, fo ti (mushroom powder), cinnamon, turmeric and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
1:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, vegetable curry (kale, spinach, lentils) on riced cauliflower, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 22 oz.;  Water: 60+ oz.; and two healthy pours of Jameson Irish whiskey.

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#2312: Tuesday, July 30: Can I overcome my hang-up?

Post 2312

- 8 years and 211 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I question my ability to deal with my hangups. Which I have many of.

Most are (to me, at least), innocuous. Difficulty accepting praise while at the same time unable to hide my delight at receiving it comes to mind on the innocuous side.

My obsessive avoidance of housekeeping is another - in that it only affects me.

But all the other little tics in my life - too depressing to list them now - are even more innocuous.

But the sum is greater than the parts.

I have overcome fears and hangups in the past, but am not so sanguine about self-improvement as I once was.

I think I am usually better at coping with the day-to-day stuff as it comes. Or, in the case with housework, becoming so adept at procrastination over such a long term that I am inured to the mess. Defensively, I have become inured to the building mess and dirt, so it doesn't bother me to the point where I actually do something about it.

Until very recently. Now, the line has been crossed, and I'm entering self-loathing territory, even if it's just a toe in the water (to see how acidic it is). All my attempts, even the always recommended baby steps - breaking the big project up into small manageable tasks - have been incomplete, and barely stemmed the buildup of the mess.

I have come to the realization that things have gotten much worse since the events that brought me a lot of happiness - getting together with I am Fool, moving to a small, affordable apartment near the best (and last) job I ever had, connecting with an expanding musical/social network - has brought with it a latent tendency to hoard, very much exacerbating the (lack of) housework problem.

I am going to need some new motivation. It is possible that my current and complete lack of deadline pressure has eliminated all the usual motivation to get anything done.

Also anti-motivational is an almost complete lack of ambition.

I am feeling a little stuck. Rephrase: I am feeling stuck. It's a binary. 

I am also beginning to wonder about the thing that is coming that will un-stick me. Fear of the future is the cause of all anxiety. I am good at not doing that, yet the story of my life hinges on my overcoming some big negatives. 

Given that, I'm grateful to be alive to ponder the question.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    202.3 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/29/19):         201.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     + 1.3 lbs.

Diet Comment

My weight gain seems to be tied to my late night eating, including bread, and the consumption of three Quest bars. I think every time I've eaten more than two in a day I have gained weight. Hmmmm...

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm, at The Listening Room at 443:

Balboa panini: Seasoned roast beef, sharp provolone, garlic butter and horseradish mayonnaise on Pasta's stretch bread.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, huevas coles de Bruselas (brussel sprouts, eggs and salsa), and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 20 oz.;  Water: 74+ oz.; a shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.

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#2311: Monday, July 29: Helping

Post 2311

- 8 years and 210 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I have this belief that people want to be helpful. People are looking for opportunities to help.

It is a belief - there are no facts to support this belief. I am going by my personal experience.

Even when people don't want to help me, for whatever reason, including animosity, lack of understanding, greed, whatever, they want to be thought of as helpful - they want to think about themselves this way. If not me, there is someone out there they want to help, even if only for selfish reasons

I know, and I tell people, I always want to be helpful. I see opportunities to help others as blessings.

So, whenever I can, I help out.

The converse is that I am also not shy about asking for help when I need it. Give someone else the blessed opportunity to help me.

I think, on balance, I've received, in my life, more help than I've given. I'm grateful for that, and I'm actively trying to even things up.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    201.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/26/19):         199.9 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     + 1.1 lbs.

Diet Comment

I attended four parties  and I was off-plan pretty much the entire weekend. As such, I am thrilled to have enjoyed all the forbidden food and paid such a minor penalty.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm: Kale and spinach with peppers, onions, eggs, chia seeds, hemp seeds and salad blend cheeses. A Quest bar.

Lunch
10:05pm: A Quest bar.

Dinner
12:00am: Salmon burger on Exekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread with guacamole, a chopped salad (arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, shaved parmesan cheese, walnuts and balsamic vinaigrette and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 86+ oz.; 

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#2210: Friday, July 26: No competition

Post 2310

- 8 years and 207 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I don't watch sports these days. I did, through my thirties, then it began falling away until, by the time I moved to Syracuse (eleven years ago), I had completely lost interest.

I no longer find competition entertaining.

I've also largely eliminated it from the rest of my life. I understand that it comes from a position of privilege. I am unapologetic. It has come from dumb luck, nothing more.

I don't have anything to fight. There is virtually no fight I won't back away from. As author-philosopher Timber Hawkeye says, "You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to.

I have few threats against me. There is declining health, but that requires no more energy to fight the pain than I've been giving it for the last ten years, and isn't really a competition.

I don't consider myself a competitive bass player. I am Fool will fold if any member leaves at this point. There will be no replacements, although it is possible the lineup will respond. And I will not audition for a new band, or additional playing opportunities. I will play when and with who I can. That's enough for me.

I am no longer competing for a slice, or a bigger slice, of the money pie. Money now comes to me with no effort extended on my part.

This is what retirement has meant to me. I couldn't be happier or more grateful.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    199.9 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/25/19):         199.9 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     + 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

Ending the week with a (week-over-week) loss is good.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:30pm: Blue-green protein smoothie with almonds, kefir, large organic egg, chia gel, kale, spinach, blueberries, whey powder (24g protein), coconut oil, hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, moringa leaf powder, fo ti (mushroom powder), cinnamon, turmeric and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:45am: Manchego cheese and walnuts, roasted turkey breast on Ezekiel 4:9 Flax bread with guacamole, two Quest bars.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 20 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz.; Jameson Irish whiskey, neat.

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#2309: Thursday, July 25: Admitting I don't know

Post 2309

- 8 years and 206 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I think there aren't that many visible signs of maturity on me.

While I may often be the oldest person in the room (really, really often the case), I rarely feel like I'm the most mature.

One of the most recent concessions to maturity has been embracing uncertainty. Understanding that everything I know isn't correct, that memory is rarely, if ever, 100% accurate, and that not only are there things I don't know, but there's a lot - a lot! - of things I won't ever know, either because of my limitations or their own ineffable qualities.

It wasn't always that way. I was the shitty know-it-all. More than that, I learned at a relatively early age that if you said things a certain way, it appeared you knew what you were talking about.

This led to some otherwise-friendly people thinking of me as arrogant. I am not prepared to say they were wrong.

I have no defense. That's what happens when you let a single trait define you at a young age (in my case, it was being smart). But being smart and insecure means you put a lot of social capital in appearing smart. Even when, as I've mentioned in another recent post, you're not really that smart, and you are really dumb in some ways.

I put a lot of emphasis on being right. That must have seemed pretty obnoxious to the people around me.

Now I don't. Now I'm smart enough to know the limitations of my intelligence. And I see this emphasis on being right as another symptom of those intellectual limitations.

I try not to be insistent on the correctness of my thoughts and ideas. After I've made my case, I back down. I admit quickly when I don't know something. I think when I presented my ideas forcefully, insisting on making my point, I was being oppressive.

I now lose arguments with a shrug. I qualify my ideas with the "I think" prefix. I make suggestions in the form of questions. I do not want to be forceful.

The idea of me being oppressive is the opposite of everything I believe in.

I'm grateful for the spiritual and intellectual growth that has fostered my happiness.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    199.9 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/24/19):         198.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     + 1.3 lbs.

Diet Comment

A two-pound loss followed by a one-and-a-quarter-pound gain, and both days the eating was almost identical! Go figure. I'm used to it, the only thing unusual about this is that it follows eight days in a row of the having the same weight.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm: 

Arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, roasted turkey breast, shaved parmesan cheese, walnuts, chia seeds, hemp seeds and balsamic vinaigrette.

Lunch
9:00pm: Manchego cheese and almonds, a Quest bar.

Dinner
12:15am: Vegetable curry (kale, spinach, lentils) on riced cauliflower, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 00 oz.;  Water: 92+ oz.;

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#2308: Wednesday, July 24: Playing the right note

Post 2308

- 8 years and 205 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

It's not the note you play that's the wrong note - it's the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong. - Miles Davis

True in music, true in life, I think.

The next thing you do takes into account the thing you just did - it's the movement in time.

You can only change what you do in the present. It's what you do that, ultimately, determines the value, the correctness, of what you did.

If, in the present, you do the kind thing, I believe you can right wrongs.

I feel grateful that I've been putting this into practice as best I can.

I am so far from perfect about it. Even feeling the way I feel, that it is the best way, I fail as often as I succeed. Or maybe more often.

Tonight I accompanied, on bass guitar, a guitarist who was tuned a half-step down, on some songs I knew that he played in other keys. I'm pretty good at instant transposing, but it was hard.

When we finished the first one, he said (into the mic): "Give it up for Reverend Ken. Not only am I tuned down a half-step, but I play the song in a weird key, and he didn't miss a note."

I shook my head, and told him, "No, there were wrong notes, but I fixed them all. Like Miles said to."

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    198.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/23/19):         200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     - 2.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

After seven straight days at the same weight, and a less-than-on-plan day of food, the pending loss has finally caught up with me. I'm nicely below the trend line and happy about it. 

Food Log

Breakfast
Skipped.

Lunch
8:00pm, at the Listening Room:

Southwest Pannini (smoked turkey, chipotle mayo, bacon and jalapeno cayenne cheddar on Pasta's stretch bread).

Dinner
12:45am: Manchego cheese and walnuts, a hamburger with fried onions and peppers, brussel sprouts, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 10 oz.;  Water: 76+ oz.; a Jameson's Irish whiskey, neat.

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#2307: Tuesday, July 23: Letting Go

Post 2307

- 8 years and 204 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I once took a course (the Sedona Method, if you must) which explained the importance of letting go, and gave a bunch of techniques for doing that.

Although I don't rate the course too highly (if all the material was presented concisely, it would have been two or three pages, tops), there were some good ideas and I did learn something.

One thing I learned is that the premise is true: It is important to be able to let go of things that aren't helping you, or, worse (and more often), holding you back.

That isn't the same as forgetting. The facts don't require any letting go. The emotions, though, do. We don't need to forget facts or the way we felt, though.

It's kind of a Buddhist thing: Non-attachment. Also, it knows no judgment. We get attached to our emotions, that's kind of a way of trying to make things that happen to us, our story, permanent.

It always trips us up because our emotional responses are not meant to be permanent. They are incited by transitory phenomena, and, good or bad, they are meant to be just as transitory. A feeling of fear is a response to danger, it is a survival instinct. But once the danger is past, we can remember our fear, but there's no reason to still be afraid. 

The same is true for positive feelings. We don't need to forget how we feel when we see somebody we love, or someone assists us. In fact, the way we feel about things is often all we remember about them.

Another thing I learned from the Sedona Method was that letting go is a skill to be learned. Once learned, practice makes it easier.

So, these days, I routinely let go of the small shit, and most of the not-too-small shit.

Sometimes, though, it isn't quick or easy. Sometimes, you have to go through the process more than once before it takes. On stuff that has you really thrown, it may take a lot of work and time to let go.

But putting in the time and work helps, even without a known end-date. You're doing something - something constructive.

The other thing about letting go, is sometimes it takes the form of self-forgiveness, and that's a good thing.

I needed to learn to forgive myself from stuff, and I'm grateful I learned how to let go.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/22/19):         200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     - 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

Seven straight days at the same weight is definitely a record for me. It is unlikely that the streak will continue, but if it does, that really says something. No, I don't know what. Tomorrow I'll see the results of eating an off-plan breakfast (dinner) at the Listening Room, and eating too much food at dinner (breakfast) tomorrow.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:10pm, at the Listening Room:

Southwest Chicken Wrap: Grilled chicken, black bean and corn relish, bacon, chipotle mayo, crispy tortilla strips, fresh greens and sharp cheddar on a soft spinach wrap.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:45am: Manchego cheese and walnuts, a hamburger with salsa, riced cauliflower with olive oil and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 20 oz.;  Water: 68+ oz.; and a Jameson Irish whiskey, neat.

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Thank you!

#2306: Monday, July 22: My Income Factory

Post 2306

- 8 years and 203 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I've been investing in the stock market for about forty years now.

My first investment was a total loser, bought from one of the cold-calling 'boiler rooms' that tout stocks they have bought to push the price up, then sell the stock themselves, precipitating a fall in stock price leaving the investors with a loss. In short, I was scammed.

But I learned a great lesson, and started educating myself.

My next stock purchase was a power company bucking the nuclear trend, which had a dividend and offered additional stock purchases at a discount.

I did pretty well, and it started an interest that has persisted through many iterations.

I briefly got wealthy (on paper) with options in a dot-com startup during the tech boom in the late '90s, and lost almost all of it in the tech crash.

When my second marriage failed, it left me homeless and with more personal debt than I had ever known in my life. My single asset (my car) was mine free and clear and I had a negative net worth.

When I got a decent-paying job and moved to Syracuse, I began to fix my financial situation. I was on the way to recovery when I got laid off two years later. In the two years, I had been investing in the company's 401-K plan, and on severance, I put that money in a self-directed traditional IRA (I was sixty years old by then).

That was the start, in September, 2010, of my reentry into the world of stocks, the beginning of a new investment portfolio (my previous one had been closed out to pay off debt in 2008).

After the ups and downs (net down) of my investment career, I wanted to be very careful with this relatively small amount. I decided to buy only stocks that paid a dividend, having learned that dividends account for about 70% of the profits made in stocks.

My plan evolved from there - initially, I bought stocks that had a dividend and good-to-excellent chance for price appreciation (increasing the value of the portfolio through the value of stocks).

I then began to look at stocks that offered a higher dividend yield that I could compound by reinvesting. That plan, which I 'invented' on my own, I eventually found was not unknown at all. But rather, investing for income was a lesser-known but still popular way of utilizing money in the market.

This type of portfolio is known as an Income Factory. Generating income with dividends, rather than increasing the net value of the portfolio is the goal.

This has proven to be very successful for me, so far. 

I got a job with the VA a couple of months after I began the portfolio, and added to it with every paycheck, also saving via the government's TSP (the government version of a 401-K plan). 

By the time I retired and stopped adding to my investment portfolio, with dividend reinvestment and capital appreciation, I had taken my portfolio of under $18,000 with annual dividend income of about $1,300 to a value of more than $120,000 and annual dividend income of about $8,100.

Since then (3-1/2 years), through dividend reinvestment and capital appreciation only, my portfolio stands at more than $150,000 with an annual income of more than $15,000.

I have a factory that makes income. While not as secure as an annuity, it is very similar and is paying out more on the principle.

Next year, IRS regulations require that I start withdrawing from my IRA. The annual required withdrawal amount, about $5,000 (based on current value), will be paid entirely out of dividends, and will still allow reinvesting (growing) my dividend. In other words, I don't have to close the factory.

I have been lucky. I started investing at the beginning of the longest bull market in stock history.

I'm set up where I can easily survive corrections and the recession that everybody predicts is 'right around the corner'.

I am profoundly grateful for my luck and for my relative wealth. Life is sweet.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/19/19):         200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     - 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

I believe six days in a row at the same weight is a record for me. I'd rather be losing weight, but after a weekend that included just a bit of off-plan eating - cake - but less than the usual weekend booze consumption, I'm in no way disappointed to come out even.

Food Log

Breakfast
7:45pm:

A LEO (lox, eggs and onions). Not shown: Brussel sprouts with balsamic vinaigrette).

Lunch
10:30pm: Manchego cheese with walnuts and a Quest bar.

Dinner
12:45am: Spinach and kale with chick pea curry on riced cauliflower, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 96+ oz.; 

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#2305: Friday, July 19: Nothing today

Post 2305

- 8 years and 200 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I got nothing.

I'm grateful nonetheless.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/18/19):         200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     - 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

Two days of very similar eating, three days at the same weight.

Food Log

Breakfast
7:00 pm: Kale and spinach with peppers, onions, eggs and smoked salmon.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:45am: Manchego cheese and walnuts, brussel sprouts with olive oil, and two Quest bars.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 2;   Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 76+ oz.; 

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Thank you!

#2304: Thursday, July 18: What I do when I'm interrupted

Post 2304

- 8 years and 199 days since I started this blog -

  

Daily Comment

I don't know whether ADHD is rampant, or whether it has surpassed rudeness as a cause of interrupted speech, but having spent some time with someone who is ADHD to an extreme, I've been interrupted a lot lately.

Whenever I'm interrupted, I stop speaking until the interruption has run its course. Sometimes that terminates whatever I was going to say, because the interruption has rendered it moot, or because by the time I can resume, I've forgotten what I was saying.

Either way, I feel a burst of anger, then I let it go. It's a matter of personal policy.

I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as having ADHD. Yes, there's a test for that.

I was terrible about interrupting other people. I always felt bad about it, always understood it as bad impulse control, and bad listening habits (I try to practice active listening now).

To get this terrible symptom under control - it is under control now, for the most part -  I had to forgive myself for doing it. It took some time and effort, but was key to controlling the impulse to interrupt.

And now I forgive everybody who does what I did. It takes a second, but the anger I feel subsides almost instantly, forgiveness is given immediately, and then (and, really, only then, when the anger is gone and I've forgiven the person I was responding to), I let it go.

I'm grateful for this bit of wisdom that makes my life less stressful, and allows me to understand better what other people mean to me.

Food and Diet 

Today's Weight:                    200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (7/17/19):         200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     - 0.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

Yesterday's off-plan eating didn't set me back, even if it also didn't move me forward. I'm finally back on plan today, after an 18-hour fast. Hopefully, with some results at the week's final weigh-in, tomorrow.

Food Log

Breakfast
7:30 pm:

A LEO (lox, eggs and onions). Not shown: Chopped salad (arugula, kale, chard, spinach, shaved parmesan cheese, walnuts and creamy balsamic vinaigrette).

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner
12:05am: Carrots and homemade mayonnaise, Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread toasted with guacamole, and two Quest bars.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;   Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 76+ oz.; 

 Please leave a comment when you visit my blog.
Thank you!