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Post 1770, Day 322 of 2016
- 2,148 days since I started this blog -
- 2,148 days since I started this blog -
With more thought on the matter, I have changed my mind about the lack of structure in my day-to-day life being a problem.
I now think it is laziness, and the ability to put off even the slightest unpleasantness due to not having to be accountable for anything. It is the ability to adjust my perceptions to see what I want, and to trust that when the time comes when something has to be done, I will do it.
And other unpleasant things about myself: A lack of discipline, a certain amount of laziness, a belief that a backlog of activities that I keep putting off will only become inconvenient when I find them so. The falseness of this last, of course, I know from personal experience.
I know I've learned all these things, picked up these thoughts and habits from childhood, and I'm quite embarrassed that, although they no longer serve me, I haven't eliminated them.
Moreover, they also have a component of fear. It is a complex problem. I don't know exactly how untangle the knot, other than, like everything else, wait for things to take their course and either change, as I've done many times in the past, or admit to some fundamental error or dishonesty about my desire for them.
Maybe I don't want to do any of these things that I want to do, and only feel that I do because of an imagined result of doing them. In other words, I wanted to play upright bass, so I got one. But maybe I should have looked closer at why I wanted to play the upright bass. Maybe I'm not practicing with it because I don't trust that I want to play it for the sake of making music with it, but for some image thing, some unrelated benefit from playing it.
Maybe, somewhere within, I don't want that benefit as much as I don't want to do the work. Or maybe I'm afraid of finding out I'm wrong about the benefit.
I don't know.
But I do know that I find things I prefer to doing the work, things with some short-term satisfactions, quicker rewards, no matter how banal.
And I do things I've promised to do, keep my appointments, invest effort over longer terms.
When it suits me.
I now think it is laziness, and the ability to put off even the slightest unpleasantness due to not having to be accountable for anything. It is the ability to adjust my perceptions to see what I want, and to trust that when the time comes when something has to be done, I will do it.
And other unpleasant things about myself: A lack of discipline, a certain amount of laziness, a belief that a backlog of activities that I keep putting off will only become inconvenient when I find them so. The falseness of this last, of course, I know from personal experience.
I know I've learned all these things, picked up these thoughts and habits from childhood, and I'm quite embarrassed that, although they no longer serve me, I haven't eliminated them.
Moreover, they also have a component of fear. It is a complex problem. I don't know exactly how untangle the knot, other than, like everything else, wait for things to take their course and either change, as I've done many times in the past, or admit to some fundamental error or dishonesty about my desire for them.
Maybe I don't want to do any of these things that I want to do, and only feel that I do because of an imagined result of doing them. In other words, I wanted to play upright bass, so I got one. But maybe I should have looked closer at why I wanted to play the upright bass. Maybe I'm not practicing with it because I don't trust that I want to play it for the sake of making music with it, but for some image thing, some unrelated benefit from playing it.
Maybe, somewhere within, I don't want that benefit as much as I don't want to do the work. Or maybe I'm afraid of finding out I'm wrong about the benefit.
I don't know.
But I do know that I find things I prefer to doing the work, things with some short-term satisfactions, quicker rewards, no matter how banal.
And I do things I've promised to do, keep my appointments, invest effort over longer terms.
When it suits me.
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 203.6 lbs.
Diet Comment
Previous Weight (11/16): 202.6 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 1.0 lbs.
Diet Comment
This is a mysterious weight-gain - I can't account for it from what I ate - maybe I just weighed myself too soon after my late-night eating? Don't know - yesterday's eating was typical, or, possibly, less than usual.
Food Log
Breakfast
3:30pm: Dal Makhtani (black lentil curry) with roasted chicken, and chia and hemp seeds added, over chopped broccoli.
3:30pm: Dal Makhtani (black lentil curry) with roasted chicken, and chia and hemp seeds added, over chopped broccoli.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
Dinner
11:30pm: Pepperoni, cole slaw, dark chocolate and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 2; Coffee: 0 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 88+ oz.
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