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Post 1765, Day 315 of 2016
- 2,141 days since I started this blog -
- 2,141 days since I started this blog -
Sometimes, I don't know why I do things.
It always comes down to not paying attention, really. Not paying attention to what thoughts move me to take a certain action, not paying attention to whether it's a momentary thing that will pass, an appeal to a feeling that will be positive for a moment, negative after.
I'm thinking about this, because, today, while shopping, I bought a bag of nut mix with dark chocolate - a bag of stuff I like, and that are, in small doses, healthy.
I was hungry at the time, and the bag was resealable.
Appeasing the hunger dominated my consideration. The fact that I have little self-restraint against salty-sweet stuff that is not, by its nature unhealthy, and that I know what its like to mindlessly finish any opened bag of anything, was snuffed out by my hunger, and drive towards pleasurable sensations.
As I write this, the empty bag waiting to become landfill, I feel something else: Self-loathing.
Why can I not stay in the present, make good decisions prioritize loving myself over the opposite? I have the training. I have the "will-power".
But sometimes, there is a drive to immediate satisfaction that overrides every good thing you know that opposes satisfying it in a negative way.
Shopping while hungry is a sure way to set this up.
It always comes down to not paying attention, to not being present. I'm grateful it doesn't happen often, and grateful that I have learned to forgive myself, and correct.
It always comes down to not paying attention, really. Not paying attention to what thoughts move me to take a certain action, not paying attention to whether it's a momentary thing that will pass, an appeal to a feeling that will be positive for a moment, negative after.
I'm thinking about this, because, today, while shopping, I bought a bag of nut mix with dark chocolate - a bag of stuff I like, and that are, in small doses, healthy.
I was hungry at the time, and the bag was resealable.
Appeasing the hunger dominated my consideration. The fact that I have little self-restraint against salty-sweet stuff that is not, by its nature unhealthy, and that I know what its like to mindlessly finish any opened bag of anything, was snuffed out by my hunger, and drive towards pleasurable sensations.
As I write this, the empty bag waiting to become landfill, I feel something else: Self-loathing.
Why can I not stay in the present, make good decisions prioritize loving myself over the opposite? I have the training. I have the "will-power".
But sometimes, there is a drive to immediate satisfaction that overrides every good thing you know that opposes satisfying it in a negative way.
Shopping while hungry is a sure way to set this up.
It always comes down to not paying attention, to not being present. I'm grateful it doesn't happen often, and grateful that I have learned to forgive myself, and correct.
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 200.8 lbs.
Diet Comment
Previous Weight (11/9): 200.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 0.6 lbs.
Diet Comment
My weight has been bouncing around inexplicably. OK, so be it. [Note: Intentionally the same comment as yesterday].
Food Log
Breakfast
3:00pm: Half a party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces.
3:00pm: Half a party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces.
Lunch
10:00pm: London broil, kimchee, feta cheese and cole slaw.
Dinner
Dinner
12:15am: The other half of the party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 0 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 56+ oz.
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