Post 2244
- 8 years and 112 days since I started this blog -
Comment
Last Friday, I drove four hours to spend four hours with my good old friend Gary, who is dying. It was a good day, a day I got to make us feel better, and share a little love, kindness and compassion to an awful situation.
On the ride home, I had lots of time to think about stuff. Of course, I thought about mortality, and how I felt good about my views of life and death at the moment. But at one point, my thoughts turned to a subject that was, despite many efforts to let it go and move on, still bugging me. I had been unable to finally come to terms with my feelings regarding being replaced in Modafferi, and the way it was done.
I was never told what was going on (I found out while I was in Thailand, seeing a promo for a gig after I'd be back home, that featured portraits of the band members and didn't include me).
After I got back home (about six weeks later), it felt like I was being ghosted - the only communication I had was a note telling me my replacement was going to do that night's gig, received only an hour before the start of the gig. It made me feel pretty shitty. Devalued.
I decided then that, even if I felt the problem was unresolved, I could not let it rule me, spoil a single good time, or diminish me.
Next night, I stopped in at a Modafferi gig. The bass player was using my rig - a rig I had left at the band's practice space. A number of people came up to me to tell me they missed my bass playing. I just told them I did, too.
The bass player, someone I had met socially months before I left for my winter trip, was not good. He was not helping the band's sound, and his stage presence was very introverted. His volume was too low, and he looked uncomfortable playing. The way he played the bass made me think he hadn't been playing very long.
I had not (and I knew this) been replaced because my bass playing wasn't good enough.
At the end of the set (which was the end of the gig), one at a time, every member of the band, including the bass player, came up to me, said hello, told me they were glad to see me. Tami, the only band member I'd previously spoken with (because we're both in I am Fool, and rehearse together), sat and talked with me about my day - and bought me a drink.
I began to think there was more to the story than I'd been able to piece together. If I'd been replaced by a not-very-good bass player when there were better bass players readily available (I had spoken to several before I left who were interested in subbing for me), there was something else going on.
I left feeling better even though I still had unanswered questions. I hadn't let my fears (betrayal, abandonment) get me down.
That was Saturday night. Tonight, Monday, I am Fool had a rehearsal, After, I had a short conversation with Tami that answered those questions.
The details don't matter, but what Tami told me changed my perspective and eased my mind on all the Modafferi matters. No, I'm not going to be playing in the band in the foreseeable future, but I have a good understanding of why and my friendships with the band members are intact.
I'm glad I stayed open and I'm grateful to get a positive sense of closure on the whole thing.
What a life! I'm so grateful!
Food and Diet
On the ride home, I had lots of time to think about stuff. Of course, I thought about mortality, and how I felt good about my views of life and death at the moment. But at one point, my thoughts turned to a subject that was, despite many efforts to let it go and move on, still bugging me. I had been unable to finally come to terms with my feelings regarding being replaced in Modafferi, and the way it was done.
I was never told what was going on (I found out while I was in Thailand, seeing a promo for a gig after I'd be back home, that featured portraits of the band members and didn't include me).
After I got back home (about six weeks later), it felt like I was being ghosted - the only communication I had was a note telling me my replacement was going to do that night's gig, received only an hour before the start of the gig. It made me feel pretty shitty. Devalued.
I decided then that, even if I felt the problem was unresolved, I could not let it rule me, spoil a single good time, or diminish me.
Next night, I stopped in at a Modafferi gig. The bass player was using my rig - a rig I had left at the band's practice space. A number of people came up to me to tell me they missed my bass playing. I just told them I did, too.
The bass player, someone I had met socially months before I left for my winter trip, was not good. He was not helping the band's sound, and his stage presence was very introverted. His volume was too low, and he looked uncomfortable playing. The way he played the bass made me think he hadn't been playing very long.
I had not (and I knew this) been replaced because my bass playing wasn't good enough.
At the end of the set (which was the end of the gig), one at a time, every member of the band, including the bass player, came up to me, said hello, told me they were glad to see me. Tami, the only band member I'd previously spoken with (because we're both in I am Fool, and rehearse together), sat and talked with me about my day - and bought me a drink.
I began to think there was more to the story than I'd been able to piece together. If I'd been replaced by a not-very-good bass player when there were better bass players readily available (I had spoken to several before I left who were interested in subbing for me), there was something else going on.
I left feeling better even though I still had unanswered questions. I hadn't let my fears (betrayal, abandonment) get me down.
That was Saturday night. Tonight, Monday, I am Fool had a rehearsal, After, I had a short conversation with Tami that answered those questions.
The details don't matter, but what Tami told me changed my perspective and eased my mind on all the Modafferi matters. No, I'm not going to be playing in the band in the foreseeable future, but I have a good understanding of why and my friendships with the band members are intact.
I'm glad I stayed open and I'm grateful to get a positive sense of closure on the whole thing.
What a life! I'm so grateful!
Today's Weight: 203.0 lbs.
Previous Weight (4/18/19): 203.7 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: - 0.7 lbs.
Diet Comment
Food Log
Breakfast
4:40pm: A LEO (lox, eggs and onions) with a salad (arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, walnuts, balsamic vinegar).
Lunch
11:00pm: Walnuts and cheddar cheese, cottage cheese and a Quest bar.
Dinner
1:30am:
Liquid Intake
4:40pm: A LEO (lox, eggs and onions) with a salad (arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, walnuts, balsamic vinegar).
Lunch
11:00pm: Walnuts and cheddar cheese, cottage cheese and a Quest bar.
Dinner
1:30am:
 |
| Riced cauliflower with sauteed kale and spinach, dal tadka (lentil curry) and bacon. |
Espressos: 0; Coffee: 24 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 68+ oz.;
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Thank you!
Thank you!
All is transient...
ReplyDeleteAll is sorrow...
All is unreal...
LightLoveCompassion
I rely on it, brother!
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