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Post 1750, Day 293 of 2016
- 2,119 days since I started this blog -
- 2,119 days since I started this blog -
Somehow, I haven't given up the idea of relationships, but I'm not looking for one, either.
I have a good deal of fear when I think about being intimate. I am basically an introvert who doesn't mind being in crowds of people, and I get energized by performing.
I try to be open and honest at all times, but fail when it comes to establishing real intimate connections.
100% of all my past intimate relationships with women have failed on me disappointing their expectations in some regard. To them, it was me not stepping up. To me, it was their not accepting me for who I really was, as opposed to their 'ideal' of me.
But I take responsibility. I don't think I present a good picture of who I am when out in public. That's a trick I learned from my parents, I guess. Stop face-palming, Freud.
My parents presented a public version of themselves that was very different, and much more attractive, than what I saw at home.
I do the same. And it is attractive. I present as having things all together, which is pretty far from true, and as someone who is happy, which is pretty true.
But when that attraction gets me into potentially intimate circumstances, I deflect.
That's what letting your past override your present does. I have fear. I remember the pain. I feel my present circumstances are so good, I'm afraid to risk letting someone breach the walls of now.
This may be my biggest current failure, and I believe it is at the root of all my dissatisfactions.
I may or may not resolve it, but if that is the worst of my present condition, I have nothing but gratitude for being alive.
I have a good deal of fear when I think about being intimate. I am basically an introvert who doesn't mind being in crowds of people, and I get energized by performing.
I try to be open and honest at all times, but fail when it comes to establishing real intimate connections.
100% of all my past intimate relationships with women have failed on me disappointing their expectations in some regard. To them, it was me not stepping up. To me, it was their not accepting me for who I really was, as opposed to their 'ideal' of me.
But I take responsibility. I don't think I present a good picture of who I am when out in public. That's a trick I learned from my parents, I guess. Stop face-palming, Freud.
My parents presented a public version of themselves that was very different, and much more attractive, than what I saw at home.
I do the same. And it is attractive. I present as having things all together, which is pretty far from true, and as someone who is happy, which is pretty true.
But when that attraction gets me into potentially intimate circumstances, I deflect.
That's what letting your past override your present does. I have fear. I remember the pain. I feel my present circumstances are so good, I'm afraid to risk letting someone breach the walls of now.
This may be my biggest current failure, and I believe it is at the root of all my dissatisfactions.
I may or may not resolve it, but if that is the worst of my present condition, I have nothing but gratitude for being alive.
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 202.0 lbs.
Diet Comment
Previous Weight (10/19): 202.8 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: - 0.8 lbs.
Diet Comment
Breaking through the trend line - if I just maintain this weight a bit, the line moves back down. New goal: A flat or down-sloping trend line.
Food Log
Breakfast
5:15pm: Eggs, chia and hemp seeds and dal tadka (lentil curry) over cauliflower.
5:15pm: Eggs, chia and hemp seeds and dal tadka (lentil curry) over cauliflower.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
11:15pm: Various fried veggies (birthday food at Shifty's).
11:15pm: Various fried veggies (birthday food at Shifty's).
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 0 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 72+ oz. and two shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey.
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