#1325: Tuesday, December 9 - Mask of my father

Post 1325, Day 343 of 2014
- 1,439 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

For no real reason I can think of, I'm reflecting on my father today. Specifically, I am thinking of the ways I am like him.

For one thing, I look quite a bit like him, I think. But that wasn't the first thought I had.

It was his affability. He was liked and highly regarded. 

I am, too. 

It isn't a hereditary trait, though, it is learned. I am not sure where he learned it, but I'm pretty confident I know where I did. I believe all this social it is a false front, put on to conceal fear of being seen as inadequate.

He and I don't exhibit this only in public. Privately, at home with family, he and I are somewhat absent. I always thought this was a coping device to deal with disappointing family life.

I find friendliness easy, intimacy, not.

The fear that my weaknesses and 'awfulness' will be exposed makes me try to hide any vulnerability. That makes intimacy difficult. This has been my contribution to all my failed relationships.

Appearances notwithstanding, I feel inadequate, and have for as long as I can remember. Many of my accomplishments seem to me little more than over-compensation. I tend to downplay my strengths as being somewhat inconsequential, and, in my head, never enough to make up for my weakness.

I avoid confrontation (not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case, coming from fear, not so much). In my speaking, I always sound assured. I try to present the appearance of confidence and competence. This is a mask that has become very easy to wear.

Now, on an intellectual level, I know that this is all bullshit. I have some real accomplishments. I have survived near-death experiences, I have had successes and failures. My 'adequacy' has been tested. Waking up every day, so far, is my passing grade.

I actually have no idea how my father felt about that, if he ever acknowledged his mask to anyone or himself. I hope he came to understand that everybody, knowingly or not, is doing the best they can given the circumstances as they perceive them. And that love isn't something you earn, but accept when given, and give without conditions.

It's the same mask my father wore.

Lately, I have learned to accept things as they are, for the most part. I still have my moments of doubt, still have my moments of fear.

By habit and current inclination, I'm still guarded when I perceive someone might exploit any vulnerability.

This is what I've heard referred to as making myself the Princess in the Tower - you have to want it badly enough to breech walls and overcome obstacles if you want to get close to me.

That's right, I've settled in for a long wait...

And, without further ado, I present:

I don't know about Zen, but this seems to make sense, right?

Food and Diet Section

2014 Daily Weight

Today's Weight:             204.0 lbs

Previous Weight:            205.2 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:          - 1.2 lbs

Diet Comment

I made some more progress yesterday!

Food Log

Breakfast
A cocoa-hemp-kale protein shake (almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, large organic egg, whey powder (32g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), celery, raw organic cacao powder, fermented coconut water, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

Tuna salad and baby kale, baby spinach, chard, black beans and cole slaw mix.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner
Celery and homemade mayonnaise and two Quest bars.

Dinner
A Quest bar

Intake   
Coffee:  28 oz.   Water: 72+ oz.

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