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Post 1751, Day 294 of 2016
- 2,120 days since I started this blog -
- 2,120 days since I started this blog -
Another weird, this-time-slightly-off day.
After Alex posted in Facebook that it was the 16th anniversary of Nell's death, I found it hard keep from getting distracted by very unfocused thoughts about her - in particular, the change in my life that was triggered by her passing.
The thoughts were not so much cinematic remembrances, as a reliving of some of the emotions I had, kind of like recalling a smell, but, after time has passed, more the smell made you feel than any technically accurate recall.
And so it was - I looked one way, started doing something, and was distracted by an emotional non-sequitur. A moment to identify the attached memory, then back, but to something else.
When my thoughts did turn to Nell - and they did, as happens with me, as they have for more than thirty years - I bounce back and forth between the early years of our relationship to the end of the marriage and, later, her death. I had known her for fourteen years at the time of her death - we were together only for the first six.
There's a lot of emotional peaks and valleys, over time. The flow of emotions I felt were happy-warm now, hurt and cold then.
The entire time Nell and I were together, I didn't play music. I listened, put together a few killer stereo systems and amassed a large collection of music, but I didn't play. Getting back to playing was the first healing thing I did for myself, and I didn't start playing again with that in mind at all.
But I digress.
This distraction took me out of the present, and although it made following any process to completion without interruption impossible, it didn't keep me from making some meals, going to the grocery, and voting, but made each of those simple things (driving, for instance) maximally inefficient. And tiring.
The thing that shifted my focus still seems difficult to focus on. It isn't elusive, it's that it is like that magnet game, where one circular magnet repulses another - you can't quite make them touch, although you can get close. You get exhausted from trying.
And maybe that's the takeaway - I became stressed over it, and every attempt to move it to a place where I could let it go felt like work accomplishing nothing. In the end, I gave up, and went inert, because I really felt too tired to go out. Eventually, I fell asleep watching TV, early.
After Alex posted in Facebook that it was the 16th anniversary of Nell's death, I found it hard keep from getting distracted by very unfocused thoughts about her - in particular, the change in my life that was triggered by her passing.
The thoughts were not so much cinematic remembrances, as a reliving of some of the emotions I had, kind of like recalling a smell, but, after time has passed, more the smell made you feel than any technically accurate recall.
And so it was - I looked one way, started doing something, and was distracted by an emotional non-sequitur. A moment to identify the attached memory, then back, but to something else.
When my thoughts did turn to Nell - and they did, as happens with me, as they have for more than thirty years - I bounce back and forth between the early years of our relationship to the end of the marriage and, later, her death. I had known her for fourteen years at the time of her death - we were together only for the first six.
There's a lot of emotional peaks and valleys, over time. The flow of emotions I felt were happy-warm now, hurt and cold then.
The entire time Nell and I were together, I didn't play music. I listened, put together a few killer stereo systems and amassed a large collection of music, but I didn't play. Getting back to playing was the first healing thing I did for myself, and I didn't start playing again with that in mind at all.
But I digress.
This distraction took me out of the present, and although it made following any process to completion without interruption impossible, it didn't keep me from making some meals, going to the grocery, and voting, but made each of those simple things (driving, for instance) maximally inefficient. And tiring.
The thing that shifted my focus still seems difficult to focus on. It isn't elusive, it's that it is like that magnet game, where one circular magnet repulses another - you can't quite make them touch, although you can get close. You get exhausted from trying.
And maybe that's the takeaway - I became stressed over it, and every attempt to move it to a place where I could let it go felt like work accomplishing nothing. In the end, I gave up, and went inert, because I really felt too tired to go out. Eventually, I fell asleep watching TV, early.
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 201.2 lbs.
Diet Comment
Previous Weight (10/19): 202.0 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: - 0.8 lbs.
Diet Comment
The chart's looking great, I have completely recovered from the spike of my truncated vacation, and then some.
Food Log
Breakfast
5:15pm: Pepperoni and cottage cheese.
5:15pm: Pepperoni and cottage cheese.
Lunch
8:05pm A Quest bar.
Dinner
10:15pm: Blueberry-kale protein smoothie with almond-coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, blueberries, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon and stevia-inulin blend.
10:15pm: Blueberry-kale protein smoothie with almond-coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, blueberries, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon and stevia-inulin blend.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 0 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 80+ oz.
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