#1550, Monday, November 30: Choosing joyful music making

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Post 1550, Day 334 of 2015
- 1,795 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

After a wonderful, and, in many ways very traditional, Thanksgiving celebration at my sisterd, I returned home in heavy traffic to play a gig with Bradshaw Blues on Saturday.

I busted my ass to get to the gig early, only to find out that the gig started a half-hour earlier than what I had on my calendar. So, while I had plenty of time to set myself up, I wasn't able to help with much of the rest of the band's setup.

Even so, with the Jim helping set up the lights, and Chad doing all the stuff he does to get ready to play, including giving me nonsense orders about my setup - I only had enough room to be in one place, and he wanted me to move 9" further toward a sloping section of the floor that would have been unstable for my amp, and bought no extra room for me or anyone at all - when the start time arrived, Chad couldn't make sound happen out of his guitar.

So we started 15 minutes late. Chad asked me, since I was playing wirelessly, to go out on the floor and make sure we had balance. Which we did.

But he wasn't happy with it, and upped the volume of his guitar. And avoided eye contact with me for the next half hour.

During which time I decided to quit the band. I was very tired, and very annoyed by his undisguised resentment of me, which I may have been mistaken about. It may have been contempt. I believe this comes from his belief that I am relentlessly pursuing an agenda of fucking him over.

Which is completely false. However, I know and accept that I am responsible for my lack of joy in the band, and not he. It stems from artistic differences, and the way we chose to handle it.

When I first joined up with Chad, it was as half of an acoustic duo. A lot of the appeal was that playing was simple and easy. Over time, Chad's ambitions led to him creating more complexity in the band's setup, which, for many reasons, I did not care for.

I expressed my concerns (that the added complexity was negatively and unnecessarily affecting the band's performance) in the most positive terms I could. My concerns were dismissed, sometimes rudely. And, as setups took longer, with more gear constantly added to load-in, set-up, tear-down and load-out, Chad's stress level, always high during setup, increased.

And my lack of buy-in to the 'improvements' that were adding stress and effort and time to every gig was seen as insubordination. Resentment built. Chad couldn't contain his displeasure with me. Over the last six months or so, every time we got together, intentionally or not, he was rude and disrespectful to me.

Again, I have responsibility here. It was clear that Chad felt what he was doing was right and necessary, and I let him know I disagreed. I needed to accept that. And I didn't. Being his band, this was the way things were going to be. I had no say, and when I attempted to suggest anything at all, it was treated as an unwelcome challenge. It got so that anything I said was ignored. Do things Chad's way, or go my own way.

What had once been easy was now hard. My thinking that all the stress was unnecessary, was negatively affecting the performance, and I had no recourse was affecting my musical satisfaction.

And, I began to resent that.

So, when Chad's resentment of me spilled out into the performance Saturday night, the change I made was to quit the band.

Although I knew he knew I was unhappy, I don't think Chad appreciated, nor did he ever acknowledge, his contribution to creating a hostile playing environment.

He had gotten so used to ignoring and dismissing everything I said, that, when I told him I was quitting, but would fulfill all my commitments until he found a replacement bass player, all he heard was that I was quitting.

I had to tell it to Jim and ask him to convey that to Chad. Good thing, too, because I was right. Chad was stressing over gigs he would have to play without a bass player.

Completely unnecessarily, but that's what it had come to, and why I had to leave.

With no positive or productive communication, I couldn't get any joy from making music.

I will certainly miss being a part of the rhythm section, and that is where I will seek comfort for any future gigs I play with them as a sub. I will miss the income - Bradshaw Blues was my main source of paying gigs - but I expect other opportunities will come up, and it was never about the money for me.

Making music without joy is unacceptable to me, and no amount of money can pay for making music without enjoyment.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   206.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/25):          206.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                   +  0.6 lbs.

Diet Comment

I ate like a dying man over the last four days, which, of course, included Thanksgiving dinner. So I am gratified to net out with only a small gain.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, celery, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, and stevia-inulin blend.

Dinner
Scrambled eggs with sautéed greens and dal tadka (lentil curry) over cauliflower, and a Quest bar.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee:  24 oz.;  Water: 96+ oz.

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