#1519, Tuesday, October 13: Alone, not lonely

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Post 1519, Day 286 of 2015
- 1,747 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I am a loner. An extroverted loner (is that an oxymoron?).

I am rarely lonely, although frequently alone.

A few of my friends are very concerned that there is no woman in my life.

My lack of a female partner not an accident. I have avoided romantic relationships since my last one, that ended almost seven years ago.

I know the reasons, or at least, the rationalization for this. It isn't that complicated.

First off, of course, is the pain that last relationship caused has made me "gun-shy". When I moved up to Syracuse, I avoided any commitment to anything, seeing it as a distraction from my healing process. I didn't isolate myself, but I was avoiding any complication not immediately contributing to my 'recovery'.

That actually worked out pretty well for me. Preferring the commitment-free open mic to band membership introduced me to the Syracuse music community, which has been a major contributor to my current state of happiness.

Which leads to another reason I am not in a committed relationship: What I do to satisfy my social and artisitic needs (playing bass) is, even in an ensemble, a singular thing. At no point does it require assistance, and the joy I get in my playing can be communicated, and even shared with others, but is, nonetheless, a solitary endeavor that requires no supporting relationship. In fact, I have met several women who declared that they would never date a musician (in a couple of cases, specifically, a bass player) because they are not willing to put as much into the relationship as they are to their music. Me, to a tee.

There is also all the baggage I carry around with me. Sort of. My relationship needs are not simple. I need someone aligned with my beliefs; someone willing to accept who I am now, not some potential version of me that fits their mate-model and life-plan; someone willing to deal with the 'us' part as open-ended; someone with no expectations; someone who understands my need for alone time. These are things I have never actually encountered in another human being. They aren't even true of me (all the time, anyway).

These things, it seems to me, require some sacrifice on the part of my partner, some part of them that could, potentially, involve putting my needs above theirs.

Something I would never knowingly ask another person to do, except on a purely exceptional basis. I have to admit, I would probably not do this for anybody else.

I don't think anybody wants THAT kind of relationship, can't understand why anybody would, and I'm not sure I would find someone who did attractive to me. I do not have a need or desire to dominate or subjugate another human being.

If this seems like the old Groucho Marx comment about refusing to be a member of any club that would have me, so be it.

I guess what it comes down to is not feeling a need for a relationship. All the things I want in someone else I am currently giving myself.

The one thing that I cannot give myself is the extraordinary intimacy I have seen in long-term couples. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'm emotionally equipped to deal with that, either - I feel pretty phobic when it comes to intimacy.

So, I'm feeling fine about not being in a relationship, and while I think I'm still open to one, I'm not pursuing it, either - I'm not feeling any lack. No need for the romance of someone to 'complete' me.

In sum, I need a partner, not a lover.

Alone but not lonely. Loving, but not 'in love'. Happy.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   205.0 lbs

Previous Weight (10/8):           209.6 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 4.6 lbs

Diet Comment

Thanks to a long weekend spent in near-complete indolence, including skipping breakfasts every day, almost all the vacation weight gain has been reversed. Unfortunately, late night snacking, and a heavy hit of Irish whiskey may halt my progress.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Snack
A cheese danish (fail! But really, I haven't had one in years. It was too tempting. Good, too).

Lunch
Roast beef with a salad of kale, spinach and chard with shaved parmesan cheese.

Snack
Almond butter.

Dinner 
At the Flat Iron Grill: Bacon.

Snack
Chicken, celery with home-made mayonnaise.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 82+ oz.; and a big pour of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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