#1770, Thursday, November 17: Maybe it isn't the structure

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Post 1770, Day 322 of 2016
- 2,148 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

With more thought on the matter, I have changed my mind about the lack of structure in my day-to-day life being a problem.

I now think it is laziness, and the ability to put off even the slightest unpleasantness due to not having to be accountable for anything. It is the ability to adjust my perceptions to see what I want, and to trust that when the time comes when something has to be done, I will do it.

And other unpleasant things about myself: A lack of discipline, a certain amount of laziness, a belief that a backlog of activities that I keep putting off will only become inconvenient when I find them so. The falseness of this last, of course, I know from personal experience.

I know I've learned all these things, picked up these thoughts and habits from childhood, and I'm quite embarrassed that, although they no longer serve me, I haven't eliminated them.

Moreover, they also have a component of fear. It is a complex problem. I don't know exactly how untangle the knot, other than, like everything else, wait for things to take their course and either change, as I've done many times in the past, or admit to some fundamental error or dishonesty about my desire for them.

Maybe I don't want to do any of these things that I want to do, and only feel that I do because of an imagined result of doing them. In other words, I wanted to play upright bass, so I got one. But maybe I should have looked closer at why I wanted to play the upright bass. Maybe I'm not practicing with it because I don't trust that I want to play it for the sake of making music with it, but for some image thing, some unrelated benefit from playing it.

Maybe, somewhere within, I don't want that benefit as much as I don't want to do the work. Or maybe I'm afraid of finding out I'm wrong about the benefit.

I don't know.

But I do know that I find things I prefer to doing the work, things with some short-term satisfactions, quicker rewards, no matter how banal.

And I do things I've promised to do, keep my appointments, invest effort over longer terms.

When it suits me.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      203.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/16):             202.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   1.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

This is a mysterious weight-gain - I can't account for it from what I ate - maybe I just weighed myself too soon after my late-night eating? Don't know - yesterday's eating was typical, or, possibly, less than usual.

Food Log

Breakfast
3:30pm:  Dal Makhtani (black lentil curry) with roasted chicken, and chia and hemp seeds added, over chopped broccoli.

Lunch

Skipped.

Dinner

11:30pm:  Pepperoni, cole slaw, dark chocolate and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 88+ oz. 

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#1769, Wednesday, November 16: Maybe a bit of positive change coming

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Post 1769, Day 321 of 2016
- 2,147 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

A couple of days of playing music and I'm feeling better again.

I think the honeymoon phase of my retirement may be drawing to a close now. I have begun to see a lack of structure in my day-to-day life that is pretty much keeping me from doing some things I actually, really want to do.

I haven't been improving my guitar playing. I haven't touched my upright bass. I haven't done any housecleaning. My exercise plan hasn't been started.

I have, at least, gotten back to meditating regularly. That's been a huge help in keeping me buoyant. I've gotten back to reading more as well.

I realize that there was more to my emotional pull-back than just what's happened in the music scene. It was also affected by financial concerns, with my portfolio taking a big hit in the same time period, including my day-trading experiment.

It may be that my day-trading experiment is a bust. I haven't (yet) lost any money doing it, thanks to one great trade. But most of my other trades have busted, and I'm trying to see if the problem is with my strategy or my execution. This little doubt has had a negative effect.

Still, that experiment involved less than five percent of my portfolio, and the rest has been making a good recovery from the pre-election drop thanks to the post-election rally, and, on the whole, has vastly exceeded my goals (it still exceeded them, even when the recent losses reached their low point).

I'm considering establishing a daily routine - at least a 'wake-up' schedule, because my entire day has been spent lolling around between the computer and, when that gets intense, TV. Only evenings, when I go out to play, have felt productive.

The ability to have these thoughts, make these plans, is something I am very grateful for. In other words, I'm still waking up grateful just to be alive.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      202.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/15):             203.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.4 lbs.

Diet Comment

Slowly, the weight comes off.

Food Log

Breakfast
5:30pm:  Blueberry-kale protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, frozen wild blueberries, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

Skipped.

Dinner

1:45am:  Buffalo chicken breast, pepperoni, dark chocolate and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 66+ oz. and a shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey

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#1768, Tuesday, November 15: My spoiled Tuesday

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Post 1768, Day 320 of 2016
- 2,146 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

My last best hope to finish up the year, the last quarter of the year, with some good earnings from playing (a minor secondary motivation, for sure) were dashed today when I was informed that my Thursday night gigs subbing on bass had been given to someone else.

I felt betrayed. For the last four years, whenever the house bass player couldn't make the regular Thursday gig, I was his first call to substitute.

When he scheduled knee-replacement surgery, he asked if I could sub for him and I agreed. This was in weeks in advance. The week before his surgery, we were talking about it, and I asked if he had told the other band members that I would be subbing. He had not.

When I did, I was told they already had a sub for next week. When I asked about the rest of the weeks, they told me they'd work something out.

Today I found out that meant they were going to give all the rest of the weeks to the same guy.

My gigging calendar is empty until the end of January now.

I haven't had a paying gig since mid-September.

Worse, I don't feel like I can support the open mic that has been like a home to me the last six or seven years.

I spent a good part of the day working through my emotions, but it is going to take longer than a day. I have to remember that this is a closing chapter anyway: Mac's is more than likely going away before the end of the year. Also, no matter what their decision-making process, these musicians are not making a (valid) judgment of me, it is a particular situation, and I have to resist judging them.

I had a good practice last night with i am Fool, and it included a discussion of how we could get out and play more, but I couldn't lose the sad feeling as I told the story, and my current playing options have been so dramatically reduced recently.

I tried to put it behind me. After practice, I went to the open mic that is currently hosted by the guy who replaced me - he is a friend, and, since he is fundamentally a guitarist, and one of the first I played with when I started going to open mics, I have played with him quite a lot over the last six years. But I was feeling pretty drained after rehearsal and a day of petulance, greeted the bartender and my friend, and, since no one was playing, left pretty quickly.

And went home and stress-ate while watching TV. I can't even remember what I watched.

Iknow better than to let a momentary setback spoil my day, but I've had a hard time letting go and all I can say is, I'm grateful for another day for things to be good, to regain my perspective, my balance.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      203.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/14):             203.2 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

Big nothing, but at least, not worse!

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm:  

Omelet with peppers, onion, greens, chia seeds, hemp seeds, feta and parmesan cheeses and bacon. Not shown: a slice of Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain toast.

Lunch

10:45pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner

12:00am:  Buffalo chicken breast, pepperoni, cottage cheese, and dark chocolate.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 16 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz. 

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#1767, Monday, November 14: RIP Leonard Cohen

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Post 1767, Day 319 of 2016
- 2,145 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

The first time Leonard Cohen came onto my life was as the songwriter of 'Suzanne', my favorite song from Judy Collins' album, In My Life. I learned the song. I played the song. I thought it was the most beautifully-written song I had ever heard. The melody calmed me, the lyrics excited me.

I loved his first few records, but their overall dark and melancholy sound (as I heard it) prevented their ever having a regular place on my turntable - the sound was inconsistent with my spirit, even though the songs were the opposite. Plus, I couldn't reconcile the sparse sound of a singer-songwriter with guitar against the big production values of his own work.

I read Beautiful Losers shortly after it came out in paperback, about 1969. The book knocked me out.

Then there came a period of time when he was not in my consciousness. My admiration for him didn't fade at all - he just didn't cross my path. I never seemed to be where he was playing, his music didn't play on the radio stations I listened to, and I was listening, mostly, to jazz and classical music.

In the early '80s, I found a book of his poems, Spice Box of Earth while browsing at Shakespeare & Co. after a shopping trip to Zabar's. Outside of textbook anthologies, it was the first book of poetry I ever bought. I thought it was beyond wonderful, and it inspired me to begin the second poetry-reading binge of my life (the first was in high school).

Next stop on my Leonard Cohen journey came about while I was almost completely ignoring pop music of all kinds. I was, however, still deeply into hi-fi, and I read a glowing review of a CD of Cohen's songs in an audiophile magazine. It was in the first year after moving to North Carolina, and it was Jennifer Warnes' 'Famous Blue Raincoat - the songs of Leonard Cohen'. Once again, I was blown away. The songs were fantastic, the performances and arrangements were excellent. The musicians involved were the creme de la creme (Stevie Ray Vaughan!), and the recording was the finest I'd ever heard on the CD medium. This CD became one of my favorites, and it was, for almost six years, the only pop album I played.

In the last twenty years, Cohen has shown up in odd places - occasionally on the radio (NPR), sometimes I recognize one of his songs on a soundtrack, sometimes performed by somebody at an open mic or, more rarely, at a concert I'm attending. Every time, I recall with fondness the feelings more intentional encounters with his oeuvre have brought me.

My emotional response to his every work has been complex, yet consistent over the years.

I really only knew a little about him before he died last week. He was an author, a poet, a songwriter, a performer. With various articles about him, I know more about his very rich life, and no revelations (which were many) does nothing but increase my respect and awe of him. RIP, Leonard Cohen.

I am grateful for what you brought to my life.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      203.2 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/11):             201.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   2.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

I view this gain, over the weekend, as quite all right, given that I did cheat a bit.

Food Log

Breakfast
5:00pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

8:50pm:  Pepperoni and Dubliner cheese and a Quest bar.

Dinner

12:45am:  A Quest bar, cottage cheese, and dark chocolate.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz. 

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#1766, Friday, November 11: A moment's pain, and the remembrance of joy

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Post 1766, Day 316 of 2016
- 2,142 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Playing at a club without an audience is the saddest thing that happens to a musical group, and that happened to i am Fool tonight.

Worse when what there was of an audience that has come to see you leaves before you take the stage.

I hope that isn't the way we go out at Mac's Bad Art Bar, which has been i am Fool's home base since I joined the band (after seeing them as a trio at Mac's).

But it may be. We are a hard-sell, because of a weird name, because we aren't a young and pretty band, because we play original music that isn't easily categorized, and doesn't reference a popular genre.

Our friends are not in an age group that frequents bars for live music, they're concert-goers when they do go. And that might be part of the problem: Our music might appeal more to a sit-down audience, attentive to the music than as background in a bar.

Among those who have seen us, we have gotten an excellent reception, but not enough people have seen us for a following to develop.

And, for most of the members of the band, other priorities mean we cannot find enough time to develop, play gigs, and market ourselves.

The band's next gig is at the end of January. The next after that, the end of March. That is, currently, everything in our future. That is everything I know for certain about my future.

Nobody in i am Fool is talking about giving up, but nobody's talking about making any changes to improve things. For myself, I'm slowly increasing my repertoire of songs I can sing and play on guitar or bass. I'm showing up wherever I get a chance to perform.

I am a special kind of happy when I play i am Fool music, and the band members are the closest thing I have to a local family. But I bring joy to all my playing, and experience joy whenever I have a bass in my hand. We'll see if branching out is possible - that's the direction I'm moving in.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/10):             200.8 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

Today, my weight has not bounced, and that is inexplicable.

Food Log

Breakfast
4:00pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

8:00pm:  London broil, cottage cheese, side salad: kale, spinach, chard, cabbage and balsamic vinaigrette.

Dinner

2:45am, at Denny's:  An Ultimate omelet with rye toast and home fries.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 16 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 78+ oz. and two shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey

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#1765, Thursday, Nov 10: Why I fail sometimes

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Post 1765, Day 315 of 2016
- 2,141 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Sometimes, I don't know why I do things.

It always comes down to not paying attention, really. Not paying attention to what thoughts move me to take a certain action, not paying attention to whether it's a momentary thing that will pass, an appeal to a feeling that will be positive for a moment, negative after.

I'm thinking about this, because, today, while shopping, I bought a bag of nut mix with dark chocolate - a bag of stuff I like, and that are, in small doses, healthy.

I was hungry at the time, and the bag was resealable.

Appeasing the hunger dominated my consideration. The fact that I have little self-restraint against salty-sweet stuff that is not, by its nature unhealthy, and that I know what its like to mindlessly finish any opened bag of anything, was snuffed out by my hunger, and drive towards pleasurable sensations.

As I write this, the empty bag waiting to become landfill, I feel something else: Self-loathing.

Why can I not stay in the present, make good decisions prioritize loving myself over the opposite? I have the training. I have the "will-power".

But sometimes, there is a drive to immediate satisfaction that overrides every good thing you know that opposes satisfying it in a negative way.

Shopping while hungry is a sure way to set this up.

It always comes down to not paying attention, to not being present. I'm grateful it doesn't happen often, and grateful that I have learned to forgive myself, and correct.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.8 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/9):              200.2 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.6 lbs.

Diet Comment

My weight has been bouncing around inexplicably. OK, so be it. [Note: Intentionally the same comment as yesterday].

Food Log

Breakfast
3:00pm:  Half a party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces.

Lunch

10:00pm:  London broil, kimchee, feta cheese and cole slaw.

Dinner

12:15am:  The other half of the party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 56+ oz. 

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#1764, Wednesday, November 9: A pause to consider challenges, then back to playing

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Post 1764, Day 314 of 2016
- 2,140 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Over the past six weeks, my equanimity, the happy balance I have been enjoying, has been challenged.

There has been a contraction in the local music scene, my music scene. My investments have been doing poorly. The Presidential election has created a negative public atmosphere.

On the music front, my playing opportunities have been more limited: Four of the places where I played have closed or changed their music policy/personnel and there have been fewer opportunities to play. At the same time, family illness, job changes and a lack of gigs have seen little playing time with i am Fool: Our always-erratic rehearsal schedule has gotten sparse, and there are only two future gigs scheduled. October represented the first whole month at which I did not have a paying gig in more than four years.

In the run-up to the election, and, so far, in its aftermath, my investment portfolio took a hit. While still easily surpassing my investment goals, during this period it has trended negatively.

Which fits the whole atmosphere of this election cycle, which attempted to fill any attention gap with negativity.

Of course, the result wasn't pleasing either.

With all this, I have to work a little harder to stay centered and maintain my happy state. To remember that I'm still here, no better at seeing the future than I have been. Still feeling that if I show up with a smile - just show up - and look at source of the happiness, it is still there.

So I went to a friends house to jam, and, although the music wasn't very happening, it was still pleasant (with a bass in my hands, it's a good time). Then I went to an open mic and played with some better musicians, made some good music, and had a great time. In those playing moments, everything is as it should be - there're no presidents, no stock market, no negativity. No worries.

Maybe playing is a refuge, a retreat from the travails of this uncertain environment. I have to accept that possibility. If so, it may be a weak move, but it's a forward and positive move, and it connects me to something I find conducive to happiness.

I'm very grateful that my life keeps offering me this abundance, this capacity to stay in 'the game' and keep realizing this happiness.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.2 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/8):              202.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

My weight has been bouncing around inexplicably. OK, so be it.

Food Log

Breakfast
2:30pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

6:00pm, at Core Eatery:

Tuna poke salad with: Kale, cabbage, quinoa, cucumber, carrots, scallions, ginger,edamame, avocado, tuna poke, sesame seeds, almonds and miso-sesame dressing.

Dinner 

12:15am:  London broil, kimchee, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 82+ oz. and a shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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#1764, Tuesday, November 8: Life goes on, starting now

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Post 1764, Day 313 of 2016
- 2,139 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

While I am not happy with the whole idea of President Trump, I wish him a long, healthy term. Because I would be a lot unhappier with President Pence.

I have said, publicly, that in my lifetime, no president has actually made a difference, a personal impact in my life. That statement is about to be tested.

I did my part. I voted for Clinton and urged everybody I knew, especially my fellow Sanders supporters, to do the same, to take the Trump candidacy seriously. I spoke about the importance of voting for the only person that could keep him out of office.

This shows exactly how much political influence I have: None, and so it has always been. And this is what I assumed.

I know this country is a racist country, and I've known for fifty years. I didn't realize how wide and deep the racism goes, but I was not shocked to see the white-supremicist candidate win. I've said since Trump won the nomination that I was grateful to him for shining a light on that fact. Maybe now that it's out in the open, it can be better dealt with.

If Trump rubber-stamps the conservative majority's whackier schemes (regarding Social Security, especially) I could end up in much worse shape than I ever thought I might. Or, I may have made it in just under the wire.

On the other hand, if, during his administration, the investment in jobs and infrastructure gets made, and productivity (and tax revenue) increase, it may be great for me. Who knows? Not me. I have learned that I have as much predictive ability as I have political influence.

I cannot, for the life of me, see the value of worrying about it. I did my 'Letting Go' exercise a few times after I saw (against my will - although I tried, I couldn't escape TV screens in the bars I hung at last night) that Trump had won.

For now, I'm grateful to still be around, in good shape, and, as of now, still breathing, still having some personal resources to ensure that if I continue, I'll get to see what plays out.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      202.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/7):              200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   1.4 lbs.

Diet Comment

This bounce may be a combination of metabolic instability after Sunday's cheat day and a little water retention from last night's late dinner, which was very high in sodium (pork rinds). Unfortunately, I played for a very long time at an open mic and ended up eating the popcorn at the bar, and drinking a couple of rounds bought for me, so tomorrow may be worse, not better.

Food Log

Breakfast
4:45pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

10:00pm, at The Gathering Lounge: Popcorn (on the bar at the open mic).

Dinner 

12:40am:  A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 48+ oz. and a good shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey and two Jaeger Bombs.

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#1763, Monday, November 7: No comment

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Post 1763, Day 312 of 2016
- 2,138 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Nothing today.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/4):              201.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

I may have to reintroduce the weekly cheat day. Yesterday, I had one of those, and oh, man! Sunday, between three and six PM, I ate a little pasta, a slice of ham, some cornbread, a brownie and a plate of cookies. That finished my eating for the day - it's been quite a while since I haven't eaten after six. And the results were very positive. Hmmmm.

Food Log

Breakfast
5:40pm:  Hamburger with salsa and quinoa pilaf with peppers, onions and herbs, and a salad of kale, spinach, chard, cabbage, feta cheese, parmesan cheese, chia seeds, hemp seeds and balsamic vinaigrette.

Lunch

10:30pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner 

12:20am:  Salmon salad and pork rinds.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz. 

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#1762, Friday, November 4: The kettle is black

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Post 1762, Day 309 of 2016
- 2,135 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

The thing about pot being illegal, is that it demonstrates the worst things about society in the US.

Pot is not illegal because it is a harmful to people or society. Pot is illegal primarily because it threatened corporate profits and secondarily because it was associated with brown and black people.

Every reason given for pot being illegal by the government has been shown to be false.

The only dangerous feature of pot is that it has been declared illegal, and, therefore, criminalizes anybody using or supplying it.

I have never let pot's illegality deter me from associating with it.

I have been someone who uses it when I wanted to, not used it when I didn't, or when using it would be inconvenient (job-related in every case).

I like the high better than almost all other intoxicants.

And I consider myself lucky to have paid little penalty for my more-than-fifty-year association with it.

I am grateful that my association with pot for all this time has been a net positive, that it has been, overall, beneficial to me.

That it continues to be illegal only demonstrates that it is still a threat to corporate profits, and that is sad.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/3):              203.4 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

I am happy to have turned around yesterday's mystery gain.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

Skipped.

Dinner 

12:20am:  Feta cheese, cole slaw and pork rinds.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz. and a shot of tequila.

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