Post 2313
- 8 years and 212 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I've been thinking a lot about current events. Not the news kind, but things in my personal life.
Nothing that is going on is a threat to maintaining my current lifestyle, but what I see as the pending demise of I am Fool seems like a watershed moment for me.
That prospect became very real to me recently. I thought there was a way forward after J. lost his voice, but I'm not seeing any movement in that direction.
It hit me hard at the rehearsal a couple of days ago, when J. was 'testing' whether his voice had returned to full strength, but gave up after four songs. Asked to, I canceled our next upcoming gig on the spot.
When the discussion turned to the annual Fool Fest, (taking place a week after the newly canceled 'comeback' gig), it turned out that I am Fool would not be playing, and talk turned to the band lineup and schedule. Feeling I had no role anymore, I began to sulk like a spoiled child.
Not my best moment.
There is no closure. Nobody has declared the band over, but I sense it is. I'm in a state of confusion. In the present.
I feel like grieving, but with the band still on life support, it doesn't seem like the time yet. Things that were proposed could still be ratcheted up, but to me it seems like it should have happened weeks (if not months) ago, and didn't because someone didn't like it.
Still, my sense of loss is very real to me. The band has been like family, I have always felt it to be a fundamental ingredient in my happiness. But since I returned from my Winter travels, all band-related things have gone from bad to worse.
If the band were to continue in the direction it has taken the last five months, getting together and learning new cover songs, I would take my leave. I consider every cover song we've ever played to be a wasted opportunity to play an original, and I can't imagine continuing in that mode.
It might be time for me to leave the band and leave Syracuse.
The sadness and fear I feel at this weighs heavily on me.
I am grateful for the wonderful times with I am Fool and in Syracuse. I've been very happy.
Food and Diet
Nothing that is going on is a threat to maintaining my current lifestyle, but what I see as the pending demise of I am Fool seems like a watershed moment for me.
That prospect became very real to me recently. I thought there was a way forward after J. lost his voice, but I'm not seeing any movement in that direction.
It hit me hard at the rehearsal a couple of days ago, when J. was 'testing' whether his voice had returned to full strength, but gave up after four songs. Asked to, I canceled our next upcoming gig on the spot.
When the discussion turned to the annual Fool Fest, (taking place a week after the newly canceled 'comeback' gig), it turned out that I am Fool would not be playing, and talk turned to the band lineup and schedule. Feeling I had no role anymore, I began to sulk like a spoiled child.
Not my best moment.
There is no closure. Nobody has declared the band over, but I sense it is. I'm in a state of confusion. In the present.
I feel like grieving, but with the band still on life support, it doesn't seem like the time yet. Things that were proposed could still be ratcheted up, but to me it seems like it should have happened weeks (if not months) ago, and didn't because someone didn't like it.
Still, my sense of loss is very real to me. The band has been like family, I have always felt it to be a fundamental ingredient in my happiness. But since I returned from my Winter travels, all band-related things have gone from bad to worse.
If the band were to continue in the direction it has taken the last five months, getting together and learning new cover songs, I would take my leave. I consider every cover song we've ever played to be a wasted opportunity to play an original, and I can't imagine continuing in that mode.
It might be time for me to leave the band and leave Syracuse.
The sadness and fear I feel at this weighs heavily on me.
I am grateful for the wonderful times with I am Fool and in Syracuse. I've been very happy.
Today's Weight: 202.3 lbs.
Previous Weight (7/30/19): 202.3 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 0.0 lbs.
Diet Comment
Food Log
Breakfast
6:10pm: Blue-green protein smoothie with almonds, kefir, large organic egg, chia gel, kale, spinach, blueberries, whey powder (24g protein), coconut oil, hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, moringa leaf powder, fo ti (mushroom powder), cinnamon, turmeric and stevia-inulin blend.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
1:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, vegetable curry (kale, spinach, lentils) on riced cauliflower, and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
6:10pm: Blue-green protein smoothie with almonds, kefir, large organic egg, chia gel, kale, spinach, blueberries, whey powder (24g protein), coconut oil, hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, moringa leaf powder, fo ti (mushroom powder), cinnamon, turmeric and stevia-inulin blend.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
1:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, vegetable curry (kale, spinach, lentils) on riced cauliflower, and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 22 oz.; Water: 60+ oz.; and two healthy pours of Jameson Irish whiskey.
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