Post 2296
- 8 years and 189 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
Who doesn't love compliments? I do.
But being able to accept a compliment, let alone enjoy getting one, only happened late in life.
Before that, any compliment would trigger a storm of self-hatred, believe it or not.
I compared every compliment with my self-critical beliefs, and found a way to turn something good into something bad. My self-loathing always defeated others' acknowledgement or praise.
Beginning with rebuttals based on my self-perception, and ending with a critique of the compliment and the person who issued it.
Because, insecurity.
Part of growing up was for me to learn to accept and enjoy a compliment.
To me, now, it seems like a hero's journey.
My penchant for disavowing and negating any compliment, and turning it against myself, has everything to do with me being insecure and self-doubting most of my life. I haven't eradicated either, but I don't give my insecurities and doubts much traction these days. I acknowledge them and let them go.
At the root of it, was fear. Fear, as we learned in Dune, is the mind-killer. Facing fear inevitably ends it - in the moment. Fear is a survival emotion, and being fearless is anti-survival. However, fear, and the chemical changes that happen when we're afraid, are meant to be a response to a threat.
The problem with fear happens in two ways - one, when it occurs in a non-threatening situation, and secondly, when it persists after the threat is gone.
Compliments used to make me measure my self-perceptions against someone else's perception of me. My constant battle for self-worth should have been bolstered, but instead, my fear of being found lacking, of not being good enough to earn the compliment, made it unacceptable.
Mind games I used to play with myself.
These days, I am more forgiving of myself, and my thoughts aren't crowded with having to prove myself. I've replaced (by and large, anyway) my self-doubt with self-acceptance.
Of course, once I could accept a compliment, more came my way. Positive reinforcement.
I'm grateful for that, and for all the kind people that have helped me be more accepting.
Food and Diet
But being able to accept a compliment, let alone enjoy getting one, only happened late in life.
Before that, any compliment would trigger a storm of self-hatred, believe it or not.
I compared every compliment with my self-critical beliefs, and found a way to turn something good into something bad. My self-loathing always defeated others' acknowledgement or praise.
Beginning with rebuttals based on my self-perception, and ending with a critique of the compliment and the person who issued it.
Because, insecurity.
Part of growing up was for me to learn to accept and enjoy a compliment.
To me, now, it seems like a hero's journey.
My penchant for disavowing and negating any compliment, and turning it against myself, has everything to do with me being insecure and self-doubting most of my life. I haven't eradicated either, but I don't give my insecurities and doubts much traction these days. I acknowledge them and let them go.
At the root of it, was fear. Fear, as we learned in Dune, is the mind-killer. Facing fear inevitably ends it - in the moment. Fear is a survival emotion, and being fearless is anti-survival. However, fear, and the chemical changes that happen when we're afraid, are meant to be a response to a threat.
The problem with fear happens in two ways - one, when it occurs in a non-threatening situation, and secondly, when it persists after the threat is gone.
Compliments used to make me measure my self-perceptions against someone else's perception of me. My constant battle for self-worth should have been bolstered, but instead, my fear of being found lacking, of not being good enough to earn the compliment, made it unacceptable.
Mind games I used to play with myself.
These days, I am more forgiving of myself, and my thoughts aren't crowded with having to prove myself. I've replaced (by and large, anyway) my self-doubt with self-acceptance.
Of course, once I could accept a compliment, more came my way. Positive reinforcement.
I'm grateful for that, and for all the kind people that have helped me be more accepting.
Today's Weight: 201.0 lbs.
Previous Weight (7/5/19): 200.3 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 0.7 lbs.
Diet Comment
Food Log
Breakfast
1:45pm: Hamburger with sauteed peppers and onions, and a chopped salad: arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, walnuts, feta cheese and balsamic vinaigrette.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
1:45am: Salmon patty with guacamole on Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread, with brussel sprouts and two Quest bars.
Liquid Intake
1:45pm: Hamburger with sauteed peppers and onions, and a chopped salad: arugula, cabbage, chard, kale, spinach, walnuts, feta cheese and balsamic vinaigrette.
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
1:45am: Salmon patty with guacamole on Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread, with brussel sprouts and two Quest bars.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 0 oz.; Water: 96+ oz.;
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