Post 2312
- 8 years and 211 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I question my ability to deal with my hangups. Which I have many of.
Most are (to me, at least), innocuous. Difficulty accepting praise while at the same time unable to hide my delight at receiving it comes to mind on the innocuous side.
My obsessive avoidance of housekeeping is another - in that it only affects me.
But all the other little tics in my life - too depressing to list them now - are even more innocuous.
But the sum is greater than the parts.
I have overcome fears and hangups in the past, but am not so sanguine about self-improvement as I once was.
I think I am usually better at coping with the day-to-day stuff as it comes. Or, in the case with housework, becoming so adept at procrastination over such a long term that I am inured to the mess. Defensively, I have become inured to the building mess and dirt, so it doesn't bother me to the point where I actually do something about it.
Until very recently. Now, the line has been crossed, and I'm entering self-loathing territory, even if it's just a toe in the water (to see how acidic it is). All my attempts, even the always recommended baby steps - breaking the big project up into small manageable tasks - have been incomplete, and barely stemmed the buildup of the mess.
I have come to the realization that things have gotten much worse since the events that brought me a lot of happiness - getting together with I am Fool, moving to a small, affordable apartment near the best (and last) job I ever had, connecting with an expanding musical/social network - has brought with it a latent tendency to hoard, very much exacerbating the (lack of) housework problem.
I am going to need some new motivation. It is possible that my current and complete lack of deadline pressure has eliminated all the usual motivation to get anything done.
Also anti-motivational is an almost complete lack of ambition.
I am feeling a little stuck. Rephrase: I am feeling stuck. It's a binary.
I am also beginning to wonder about the thing that is coming that will un-stick me. Fear of the future is the cause of all anxiety. I am good at not doing that, yet the story of my life hinges on my overcoming some big negatives.
Given that, I'm grateful to be alive to ponder the question.
Food and Diet
Most are (to me, at least), innocuous. Difficulty accepting praise while at the same time unable to hide my delight at receiving it comes to mind on the innocuous side.
My obsessive avoidance of housekeeping is another - in that it only affects me.
But all the other little tics in my life - too depressing to list them now - are even more innocuous.
But the sum is greater than the parts.
I have overcome fears and hangups in the past, but am not so sanguine about self-improvement as I once was.
I think I am usually better at coping with the day-to-day stuff as it comes. Or, in the case with housework, becoming so adept at procrastination over such a long term that I am inured to the mess. Defensively, I have become inured to the building mess and dirt, so it doesn't bother me to the point where I actually do something about it.
Until very recently. Now, the line has been crossed, and I'm entering self-loathing territory, even if it's just a toe in the water (to see how acidic it is). All my attempts, even the always recommended baby steps - breaking the big project up into small manageable tasks - have been incomplete, and barely stemmed the buildup of the mess.
I have come to the realization that things have gotten much worse since the events that brought me a lot of happiness - getting together with I am Fool, moving to a small, affordable apartment near the best (and last) job I ever had, connecting with an expanding musical/social network - has brought with it a latent tendency to hoard, very much exacerbating the (lack of) housework problem.
I am going to need some new motivation. It is possible that my current and complete lack of deadline pressure has eliminated all the usual motivation to get anything done.
Also anti-motivational is an almost complete lack of ambition.
I am feeling a little stuck. Rephrase: I am feeling stuck. It's a binary.
I am also beginning to wonder about the thing that is coming that will un-stick me. Fear of the future is the cause of all anxiety. I am good at not doing that, yet the story of my life hinges on my overcoming some big negatives.
Given that, I'm grateful to be alive to ponder the question.
Today's Weight: 202.3 lbs.
Previous Weight (7/29/19): 201.0 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 1.3 lbs.
Diet Comment
Food Log
Breakfast
6:00pm, at The Listening Room at 443:
Lunch
Skipped.
Dinner
12:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, huevas coles de Bruselas (brussel sprouts, eggs and salsa), and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
6:00pm, at The Listening Room at 443:
 |
| Balboa panini: Seasoned roast beef, sharp provolone, garlic butter and horseradish mayonnaise on Pasta's stretch bread. |
Skipped.
Dinner
12:45am: Cottage cheese and walnuts, huevas coles de Bruselas (brussel sprouts, eggs and salsa), and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 1; Coffee: 20 oz.; Water: 74+ oz.; a shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.
Please leave a comment when you visit my blog.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Remember Grandma Hannah's closet. Remember the overstuffed house and garage before Mom died. consider the idea of inheriting traits (such as hoarding and disorganization and finding cleaning as repugnant. Anyway, I recommend hiring a professional junk and cleaning organization, because they don't have the emotional connections to the job at hand that you carry with you. Tell them what you want to keep, and have them get rid of the rest. Mybe this would solve the problem.
ReplyDeleteYes, my place has reached that state - to me, it seems much worse. I couldn't deal with those things then, and I'm having trouble dealing now. It's good advice, I just have to get over my embarrassment/shame to do this.
ReplyDeletei think there is no shame in taking a bad situation and making it better. Embarrassment is only Ego deep.
ReplyDelete