#1418, Friday, May 1: By myself, thanks!

Post 1418, Day 121 of 2015
- 1,582 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I am not saying never again, but I think my days of romantic relationships are past.

Most of my life, I felt a lack if I were not romantically involved, and spent a lot of time fantasizing about my next relationship, or the object of affections. Now, after putting a hold on any such entanglements for more than five years, I don't miss it.

I might be a little afraid, but mostly, I can't see myself upsetting the status quo. I like the way things are going. Would I like some company along for the ride? Sometimes, but not at the cost of compromise, and trying to match or alter my ideas about living with someone else's.

Maybe it is selfishness. Or maybe, it is just refusing to take on someone else's views on what makes a good relationship, how individuals behave when they are part of a couple, etc.

I think if I got to know somebody well enough (and she, me) that I found things we did together consistently rewarding, and if the agreed-upon relationship wasn't tangled with mutual responsibility for each other's happiness (which I don't believe is right under any circumstances), maybe a kind of partnership could emerge.

The biggest barrier seems to be my not feeling a need for that. I accept responsibility for my own happiness, and that is working for me. I cannot and will not accept responsibility for anyone else's happiness. I can also not change history, and that seems to have been a problem with all my previous relationships.

Worse, I think that the romantic idea of one person 'completing' each other, such that the person only exists in the context of the relationship is complete rubbish. I can't go for that, and it isn't a question of giving up my autonomy, it is a matter of questioning that what I lack in myself, emotionally or spiritually, can be compensated for by someone else.

Similarly, my past experience shows resentment grows when someone feels another person isn't pulling their weight in a relationship, and in my understanding, if that feeling exists at all, or ever, the relationship is doomed. Only equality - you're okay now, I'm okay now - is a healthy relationship status.

I would like a travel partner. I would like someone to go to the clubs with. I have no problem if we go our separate ways at the end of the trip or the end of the night. I wouldn't mind having a partner - an equal, whose interests and direction coincide with mine - to hang out with. It occurs to me that a friendship would work, where gender and romance are irrelevant. I have some good friends now, but none moving in the same direction I am... I'm open to making new friends, but not so open to taking on new responsibilities.

I value independence - not just my own, but others'.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   203.6 lbs

Previous Weight (4/30):           203.6 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 0.0 lbs

Diet Comment

No change? OK.
 

Food Log

Breakfast
A cocoa-hemp-kale protein shake (almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, fermented coconut water, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

A Quest bar.

Dinner
At the Saltine Warrior Sports Bar (Happy Hour gig): Pizza, cheese, roast beef, birthday cake.

Liquid Intake
   Coffee:  28 oz.   Water: 80+ oz.

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