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Post 1717, Day 237 of 2016
- 2,063 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
- 2,063 days since I started this blog -
One thing I have always had on my side - I am not prone to panic.
I actually am the guy who can remain calm when everyone else is out-of-control.
I think this is the result of the psychological abuse I suffered as a child. In the face of my mother's raging - often feeling like the sole object of her fury - I taught myself to go blank. To change my affect and my thoughts to neutral. To dissociate myself, my reactions, my thoughts, from my feelings.
In emergency situations, I use that same ability.
There have been times when this 'calm' in the face of danger or loss has been celebrated, and times when I have been vilified for it.
In the latter, it amounts to an assessment that I am cold and unfeeling, when the situation seemingly demands a big emotional response. It is seen as robotic, in a 'naturally' emotionally-charged scene.
My new-found understanding of the difference between emotions and feelings brought this to light. Even when reacting with calm, I am aware of my feelings, and they are the same as the ones that make other people very emotional.
Remember (from Monday) the difference: Emotions are the stories we tell each other - and act out - about our feelings. Feelings are genuine responses, but they dissipate quickly once the original stimulus is removed. Emotions prevent that dissipation, re-stimulating the original feeling, preventing the natural fading away.
When my son Alex was four old, he had his tonsils out. The surgeon nicked an artery in his throat, which was not discovered until he'd been home for about three hours, and puked up a lot of blood he'd been swallowing since the afternoon surgery.
I don't remember ever being more frightened, but I needed to act efficiently to save his life. I quickly called the hospital, bundled him up, and took him to the emergency room. By the time we got there, he was unconscious and cyanotic - blue lips, all ruddiness gone from his skin-tone. The cut was quickly patched, and he needed a transfusion.
In the hospital room, while he was sleeping his ordeal off, out of danger, but still with the possibility of damage from blood loss, Nell (who had gone from hysteria to quiet sobbing over the course of the ordeal) screamed at me for not caring about what happened. How our son almost died, and here I was, looking like nothing had happened.
My not panicking had saved his life, but since it also meant not emoting at the same time, it was villainously cold-blooded. Pun intended.
"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood..."
I actually am the guy who can remain calm when everyone else is out-of-control.
I think this is the result of the psychological abuse I suffered as a child. In the face of my mother's raging - often feeling like the sole object of her fury - I taught myself to go blank. To change my affect and my thoughts to neutral. To dissociate myself, my reactions, my thoughts, from my feelings.
In emergency situations, I use that same ability.
There have been times when this 'calm' in the face of danger or loss has been celebrated, and times when I have been vilified for it.
In the latter, it amounts to an assessment that I am cold and unfeeling, when the situation seemingly demands a big emotional response. It is seen as robotic, in a 'naturally' emotionally-charged scene.
My new-found understanding of the difference between emotions and feelings brought this to light. Even when reacting with calm, I am aware of my feelings, and they are the same as the ones that make other people very emotional.
Remember (from Monday) the difference: Emotions are the stories we tell each other - and act out - about our feelings. Feelings are genuine responses, but they dissipate quickly once the original stimulus is removed. Emotions prevent that dissipation, re-stimulating the original feeling, preventing the natural fading away.
When my son Alex was four old, he had his tonsils out. The surgeon nicked an artery in his throat, which was not discovered until he'd been home for about three hours, and puked up a lot of blood he'd been swallowing since the afternoon surgery.
I don't remember ever being more frightened, but I needed to act efficiently to save his life. I quickly called the hospital, bundled him up, and took him to the emergency room. By the time we got there, he was unconscious and cyanotic - blue lips, all ruddiness gone from his skin-tone. The cut was quickly patched, and he needed a transfusion.
In the hospital room, while he was sleeping his ordeal off, out of danger, but still with the possibility of damage from blood loss, Nell (who had gone from hysteria to quiet sobbing over the course of the ordeal) screamed at me for not caring about what happened. How our son almost died, and here I was, looking like nothing had happened.
My not panicking had saved his life, but since it also meant not emoting at the same time, it was villainously cold-blooded. Pun intended.
"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood..."
Food and Diet
Today's Weight: 203.8 lbs.
Diet Comment
Previous Weight (8/23): 203.2 lbs.
Net Loss/Gain: + 0.6 lbs.
Diet Comment
This is due to too much of a bad thing. Dark chocolate-covered fruit is irresistible, and I should never have made the purchase. I attribute it to bad drugs. Today, I threw them away (not the drugs, the chocolates).
Food Log
Breakfast
11:45pm, at CoreLife:
 |
| Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and spinach, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg and blue cheese dressing with a little sriracha). |
Lunch
5:00pm: A Quest bar.
Dinner
11:15pm: Roast beef, cottage cheese and a Quest bar.
Liquid Intake
Espressos: 0; Coffee: 0 oz.; Tea: 0 oz.; Water: 78+ oz.; and a nice shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey.
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it is interesting that you post this. I am just back from going to a supermarket where I had one of my black out experiences back in December. Have not gone back since. Did what I had to do without event but I am panicked. I never saw you as emotionless. love you
ReplyDeleteBecause you've known me when I was still over-the-top emoting. And, if I ever claimed to be emotionless, that was... well, just wrong. Some people confuse having feelings, and emotions, with demonstrating, even dramatizing emotion, and find all of it inseparable. I think I do have some emotional control, though.
ReplyDelete