Post 1316, Day 328 of 2014
- 1,424 days since I started this blog -
Daily Comment
I'm very conflicted about i am Fool.
I joined the band more than four years ago, on the basis of hearing them perform original music written, played, and sung by the band's leader.
Until I joined the band, in September 2010, I had a "no band membership" policy. I had been offered the opportunity to join a few bands, and turned them down, based on not wanting to get involved in band politics and wanting to remain flexibile as to when, where, and with whom I made music.
Then I heard them, liked what I heard, and quickly joined up. And it was good, and everybody was happy. On a personal level, I liked the other band members, and liked the original material more and more as I learned it. I enjoyed the rehearsals, and we got some gigs playing out that were also very enjoyable.
Then, a little less than a year later, J., the writer/singer/arranger/guitarist for the band, took a ten-week hiatus to perform in a stage show.
And did it again six months later. All forward momentum stopped.
The better part of a year was spent getting that momentum back, then we decided to make a CD. We recorded all the basic tracks in a single session, making it the most productive time I'd ever spent in the studio. I was pretty okay with the results.
The next nine months the CD was ignored, unfinished. The time spent mostly rehearsing and gigging. To finish the CD, J. brought in his friend Tami. The CD was finished a year to the day after the initial session - the only time I played on it.
And Tami was in the band, and was in three other bands, had a daughter graduating high school and starting college, and expected this to be a gigging band, and was disappointed that it wasn't. And J. got sick. And our irregular playing schedule got really sparse. And nobody was booking gigs.
Which is where we are now.
We have a gig in December. That's it for gigs. I am throwing myself a birthday party, and we will play there. We haven't played out since early September.
We have only been able to get in one or two rehearsals a month since that last gig. We haven't been able to come up with arrangements of new material that satisfied J. A recent attempt to record some tracks on a song that has been giving us problems was disastrous. There hasn't been a lot of satisfaction.
The only direction the band has at the moment is to record J.'s so-far unrecorded material. It's about 2 CDs worth, and I really like the material, but it is hard for me to work up any enthusiasm for recording. It is a joy when you are recording a thing in the moment, playing with other musicians. But tracking (the way we intend to do the CD), where you play your part against a recording, is just work. There's little joy.
And, as such, it has very limited interest for me. In fact, if it weren't for how much I like the other people in the band, I would just say no. It certainly isn't what I signed up for. I was on board with the last recording because of the way it was made (live in the studio, at least, the basic instrumental tracks) and because it seemed designed to build the band's audience. That didn't work.
These days, there isn't much thought going into audience-building. To be honest, I don't have a single idea what the direction of the band is, assuming there actually is one, which may not be a valid assumption.
What is worse, the practices have become strained as they've become less frequent. There seems like there's a lot of pressure to accomplish something, to get things done. But with little motivation, because there is an indifference to performing, and nobody seems to care about the band performing more, or becoming more popular.
In my early days with the band, everybody wanted to practice and play as much as possible. Getting ready to do a gig was the most important thing, and everybody stepped up. Now, to be fair, I was the onlyone learning the material, everybody else had it down.But we were motivated by the desire to perform. That motivation is absent now.
J. does a lot of work on his own, and expects the rest of the band to work on their own and be fairly prepared for rehearsal. Not everybody is responsive, and, while I do work on my own, my process is more to become familiar with the material, enough to know the feel and the arrangement, without doing a lot of solo practicing. I also never try to learn anything rote. It works for me, but nobody else in the band.
A lack of preparedness. A failure of motivation. No movement, very little playing.
It is heart-breaking for me.
Which means I am over-invested/over-attached to the band.
And I know that attachment is the big problem for me.
Attachment means I am trying to make something permanent, and nothing is. The dynamics of this band changed in the last four years, and my satisfaction, if charted, would look high when I started, got higher for about two-and-a-half years, and now it is low.
And I no longer have a notion as to what is going on with the band. I know that it has been a higher priority for me than for any of my band mates. I don't think see how that will change, unless I reduce its importance to me...
So that is what I have to do. I need to let go, and let things play out as they will. I will not give up on (quit) the band. Unless asked, I will not volunteer to the others how the situation makes me feel.
I have said, year after year, that the most important thing for me with regards to the band, is playing with the band. The band knows my chief complaint is that the band doesn't play together enough. I also think that playing together more is the answer to any band problems.
I am the only person in the band willing and able to spend more time rehearsing as an ensemble.
I'll just take a deep breath, and pay attention. I'll look for any and all opportunities to recover my enthusiasm for i am Fool (by playing with them at any/every chance I get).
Because, you see, when it comes right down to it, I'm grateful - profoundly grateful - to be part of this group. Amazing things have happened to me since I joined. My band mates have become some of my best friends. I've gotten to make some very good music. And, I still get to do that, just not as much.
I am very happy, despite my spoiled-kid-I-want-it-my-way nonsense regarding this band that I am so proud of.
Profoundly grateful.
Food and Diet Section
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| 2014 Daily Weight |
Today's Weight: 205.2 lbs
Previous Weight*: 203.8 lbs
Day Net Loss/Gain: + 1.4 lbs
* Friday, November 21
Diet Comment
I had a real bad Saturday, from a diet point of view, and made up for it Sunday. No point speculating how much more weight would have shown up today otherwise.
Food Log
Breakfast
A cocoa-hemp-kale protein shake (coconut milk, kefir, kale, large organic egg, whey powder (24g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), celery, raw organic cacao powder, fermented coconut water, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon and stevia-inulin blend.
Lunch
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| Roasted turkey breast and black beans with celery and homemade mayonnaise, eaten with a Baby spinach and Spring Mix salad. |
Dinner
Dubliner cheese, cole slaw and a Quest bar for dessert.
Snack
A couple of Quest bars.
Liquid Intake
Coffee: 28 oz. Water: 96+ oz.
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