#1766, Friday, November 11: A moment's pain, and the remembrance of joy

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Post 1766, Day 316 of 2016
- 2,142 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Playing at a club without an audience is the saddest thing that happens to a musical group, and that happened to i am Fool tonight.

Worse when what there was of an audience that has come to see you leaves before you take the stage.

I hope that isn't the way we go out at Mac's Bad Art Bar, which has been i am Fool's home base since I joined the band (after seeing them as a trio at Mac's).

But it may be. We are a hard-sell, because of a weird name, because we aren't a young and pretty band, because we play original music that isn't easily categorized, and doesn't reference a popular genre.

Our friends are not in an age group that frequents bars for live music, they're concert-goers when they do go. And that might be part of the problem: Our music might appeal more to a sit-down audience, attentive to the music than as background in a bar.

Among those who have seen us, we have gotten an excellent reception, but not enough people have seen us for a following to develop.

And, for most of the members of the band, other priorities mean we cannot find enough time to develop, play gigs, and market ourselves.

The band's next gig is at the end of January. The next after that, the end of March. That is, currently, everything in our future. That is everything I know for certain about my future.

Nobody in i am Fool is talking about giving up, but nobody's talking about making any changes to improve things. For myself, I'm slowly increasing my repertoire of songs I can sing and play on guitar or bass. I'm showing up wherever I get a chance to perform.

I am a special kind of happy when I play i am Fool music, and the band members are the closest thing I have to a local family. But I bring joy to all my playing, and experience joy whenever I have a bass in my hand. We'll see if branching out is possible - that's the direction I'm moving in.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/10):             200.8 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

Today, my weight has not bounced, and that is inexplicable.

Food Log

Breakfast
4:00pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

8:00pm:  London broil, cottage cheese, side salad: kale, spinach, chard, cabbage and balsamic vinaigrette.

Dinner

2:45am, at Denny's:  An Ultimate omelet with rye toast and home fries.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 16 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 78+ oz. and two shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey

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#1765, Thursday, Nov 10: Why I fail sometimes

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Post 1765, Day 315 of 2016
- 2,141 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Sometimes, I don't know why I do things.

It always comes down to not paying attention, really. Not paying attention to what thoughts move me to take a certain action, not paying attention to whether it's a momentary thing that will pass, an appeal to a feeling that will be positive for a moment, negative after.

I'm thinking about this, because, today, while shopping, I bought a bag of nut mix with dark chocolate - a bag of stuff I like, and that are, in small doses, healthy.

I was hungry at the time, and the bag was resealable.

Appeasing the hunger dominated my consideration. The fact that I have little self-restraint against salty-sweet stuff that is not, by its nature unhealthy, and that I know what its like to mindlessly finish any opened bag of anything, was snuffed out by my hunger, and drive towards pleasurable sensations.

As I write this, the empty bag waiting to become landfill, I feel something else: Self-loathing.

Why can I not stay in the present, make good decisions prioritize loving myself over the opposite? I have the training. I have the "will-power".

But sometimes, there is a drive to immediate satisfaction that overrides every good thing you know that opposes satisfying it in a negative way.

Shopping while hungry is a sure way to set this up.

It always comes down to not paying attention, to not being present. I'm grateful it doesn't happen often, and grateful that I have learned to forgive myself, and correct.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.8 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/9):              200.2 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   0.6 lbs.

Diet Comment

My weight has been bouncing around inexplicably. OK, so be it. [Note: Intentionally the same comment as yesterday].

Food Log

Breakfast
3:00pm:  Half a party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces.

Lunch

10:00pm:  London broil, kimchee, feta cheese and cole slaw.

Dinner

12:15am:  The other half of the party-size bag of mixed nuts and dark chocolate pieces and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 56+ oz. 

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#1764, Wednesday, November 9: A pause to consider challenges, then back to playing

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Post 1764, Day 314 of 2016
- 2,140 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Over the past six weeks, my equanimity, the happy balance I have been enjoying, has been challenged.

There has been a contraction in the local music scene, my music scene. My investments have been doing poorly. The Presidential election has created a negative public atmosphere.

On the music front, my playing opportunities have been more limited: Four of the places where I played have closed or changed their music policy/personnel and there have been fewer opportunities to play. At the same time, family illness, job changes and a lack of gigs have seen little playing time with i am Fool: Our always-erratic rehearsal schedule has gotten sparse, and there are only two future gigs scheduled. October represented the first whole month at which I did not have a paying gig in more than four years.

In the run-up to the election, and, so far, in its aftermath, my investment portfolio took a hit. While still easily surpassing my investment goals, during this period it has trended negatively.

Which fits the whole atmosphere of this election cycle, which attempted to fill any attention gap with negativity.

Of course, the result wasn't pleasing either.

With all this, I have to work a little harder to stay centered and maintain my happy state. To remember that I'm still here, no better at seeing the future than I have been. Still feeling that if I show up with a smile - just show up - and look at source of the happiness, it is still there.

So I went to a friends house to jam, and, although the music wasn't very happening, it was still pleasant (with a bass in my hands, it's a good time). Then I went to an open mic and played with some better musicians, made some good music, and had a great time. In those playing moments, everything is as it should be - there're no presidents, no stock market, no negativity. No worries.

Maybe playing is a refuge, a retreat from the travails of this uncertain environment. I have to accept that possibility. If so, it may be a weak move, but it's a forward and positive move, and it connects me to something I find conducive to happiness.

I'm very grateful that my life keeps offering me this abundance, this capacity to stay in 'the game' and keep realizing this happiness.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.2 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/8):              202.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

My weight has been bouncing around inexplicably. OK, so be it.

Food Log

Breakfast
2:30pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

6:00pm, at Core Eatery:

Tuna poke salad with: Kale, cabbage, quinoa, cucumber, carrots, scallions, ginger,edamame, avocado, tuna poke, sesame seeds, almonds and miso-sesame dressing.

Dinner 

12:15am:  London broil, kimchee, and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 82+ oz. and a shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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#1764, Tuesday, November 8: Life goes on, starting now

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Post 1764, Day 313 of 2016
- 2,139 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

While I am not happy with the whole idea of President Trump, I wish him a long, healthy term. Because I would be a lot unhappier with President Pence.

I have said, publicly, that in my lifetime, no president has actually made a difference, a personal impact in my life. That statement is about to be tested.

I did my part. I voted for Clinton and urged everybody I knew, especially my fellow Sanders supporters, to do the same, to take the Trump candidacy seriously. I spoke about the importance of voting for the only person that could keep him out of office.

This shows exactly how much political influence I have: None, and so it has always been. And this is what I assumed.

I know this country is a racist country, and I've known for fifty years. I didn't realize how wide and deep the racism goes, but I was not shocked to see the white-supremicist candidate win. I've said since Trump won the nomination that I was grateful to him for shining a light on that fact. Maybe now that it's out in the open, it can be better dealt with.

If Trump rubber-stamps the conservative majority's whackier schemes (regarding Social Security, especially) I could end up in much worse shape than I ever thought I might. Or, I may have made it in just under the wire.

On the other hand, if, during his administration, the investment in jobs and infrastructure gets made, and productivity (and tax revenue) increase, it may be great for me. Who knows? Not me. I have learned that I have as much predictive ability as I have political influence.

I cannot, for the life of me, see the value of worrying about it. I did my 'Letting Go' exercise a few times after I saw (against my will - although I tried, I couldn't escape TV screens in the bars I hung at last night) that Trump had won.

For now, I'm grateful to still be around, in good shape, and, as of now, still breathing, still having some personal resources to ensure that if I continue, I'll get to see what plays out.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      202.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/7):              200.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   1.4 lbs.

Diet Comment

This bounce may be a combination of metabolic instability after Sunday's cheat day and a little water retention from last night's late dinner, which was very high in sodium (pork rinds). Unfortunately, I played for a very long time at an open mic and ended up eating the popcorn at the bar, and drinking a couple of rounds bought for me, so tomorrow may be worse, not better.

Food Log

Breakfast
4:45pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

10:00pm, at The Gathering Lounge: Popcorn (on the bar at the open mic).

Dinner 

12:40am:  A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 48+ oz. and a good shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey and two Jaeger Bombs.

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#1763, Monday, November 7: No comment

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Post 1763, Day 312 of 2016
- 2,138 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Nothing today.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      200.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/4):              201.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

I may have to reintroduce the weekly cheat day. Yesterday, I had one of those, and oh, man! Sunday, between three and six PM, I ate a little pasta, a slice of ham, some cornbread, a brownie and a plate of cookies. That finished my eating for the day - it's been quite a while since I haven't eaten after six. And the results were very positive. Hmmmm.

Food Log

Breakfast
5:40pm:  Hamburger with salsa and quinoa pilaf with peppers, onions and herbs, and a salad of kale, spinach, chard, cabbage, feta cheese, parmesan cheese, chia seeds, hemp seeds and balsamic vinaigrette.

Lunch

10:30pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner 

12:20am:  Salmon salad and pork rinds.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz. 

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#1762, Friday, November 4: The kettle is black

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Post 1762, Day 309 of 2016
- 2,135 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

The thing about pot being illegal, is that it demonstrates the worst things about society in the US.

Pot is not illegal because it is a harmful to people or society. Pot is illegal primarily because it threatened corporate profits and secondarily because it was associated with brown and black people.

Every reason given for pot being illegal by the government has been shown to be false.

The only dangerous feature of pot is that it has been declared illegal, and, therefore, criminalizes anybody using or supplying it.

I have never let pot's illegality deter me from associating with it.

I have been someone who uses it when I wanted to, not used it when I didn't, or when using it would be inconvenient (job-related in every case).

I like the high better than almost all other intoxicants.

And I consider myself lucky to have paid little penalty for my more-than-fifty-year association with it.

I am grateful that my association with pot for all this time has been a net positive, that it has been, overall, beneficial to me.

That it continues to be illegal only demonstrates that it is still a threat to corporate profits, and that is sad.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/3):              203.4 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   1.8 lbs.

Diet Comment

I am happy to have turned around yesterday's mystery gain.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:00pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

Skipped.

Dinner 

12:20am:  Feta cheese, cole slaw and pork rinds.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz. and a shot of tequila.

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#1761, Thursday, November 3: Why I have a photo of the first time I smoked pot

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Post 1761, Day 308 of 2016
- 2,134 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

When I was eight years old, I started to read the 'Golden Illustrated Encyclopedia' (was that its name? after all this time I don't remember). I read every word of every volume. It was there I first heard about marijuana, briefly described as an illegal cigarette that heightens moods and was favored by Mexicans, 'beatniks' and musicians, to their detriment.

I smoked pot for the first time when I was 15, and didn't know much more about it than what I had read more than half a lifetime previously in two paragraphs in a kid's encyclopedia.

At the time, outside of TV caricatures, I had no knowledge of Mexicans. While I had long been exposed to performing musicians, I didn't know anything about the ancillary lifestyle involved, and everything I knew about beat culture was overly romantic reading of a few of the better-known beat poets, and, again, the sanitized, usually comic portrayal on TV. Maynard G. Krebs, I'm looking at you.

At age fifteen, I was a goofy kid, smart but slightly neurotic, always trying to act older and more mature than I was, because most of my classmates were two years older than me, and they were trying to act more mature than they were. I had been consistently failing in my attempt to act older for five years, always behind the curve by at least two years, always willing to risk anything for approval from my peers.

I was clueless as to what maturity at seventeen was, and I was physically and emotionally not even a very mature fifteen-year-old. At that point, too my detriment, I had lived a very sheltered life.

On a not-too-cool Friday night in October, 1965, I was a Senior (barely), hanging out with a few friends from high school, mostly members of the Senior Show (just starting to get in gear) gathered in my friend Steven's basement to listen to some records (Beatles, Stones, mostly jazz, because Steven's older brother was in college and that's what he was into). Steve's family was out for the night.

I think everybody was smoking cigarettes (I had started smoking cigarettes at twelve - again, anything to look older, to fit in). (I wasn't even shaving at twelve years old). Somebody had some joints. I was nearly 100% ignorant of anything about pot, even, at that time, that marijuana, or grass, was called pot. But... I didn't want to look less cool than anybody else, and I wasn't opposed to the idea, and... There was the lure of the forbidden...

So, we all got high. Especially me.

Because it was my first time, and first encounter, I had no idea what to expect. I felt a lot of things, always questioning if I was feeling  the way I was supposed to.

Then we heard Steve's parents come home upstairs, and we had to exit through the garage, quickly, because Steve wasn't supposed to have anybody over - let alone five or six friends. And, of course, he was terrified of his marijuana use being discovered.

So we were out in the streets, young, giddy, stoned. I lived nearby, and my parents were out for the evening so I suggested we go to my house.

A big leap for me. I never brought my friends home to my apartment, being afraid that my family would embarrass me, and also because the apartment, mostly maintained by my brother, sister and me, was usually a mess, and because it wasn't nicely furnished.

We were there for about a half hour, listening to the one or two acceptable records (no rock records in my parents' home) when my parents came home earlier than expected.

Most of my friends thought it was hilarious. And my mother was so happy to actually see evidence that I had friends. Here's how rare it was: She went and got her birthday polaroid camera and took a picture. She did not know she was recording my first pot party. Here's the pic:

Cropped pic scanned from a polaroid. Notes: I cannot remember the couple at the top left of the photo, but the guy in shades (it was night, and indoors) provided the first joint I ever smoked. I am nearly unrecognizable, bottom center, stoned and freaking out that I'm stoned and my mother is embarrassing me in front of my friends and I'm stoned. Behind me is Adrian, sometime girlfriend and co-star of the Senior Show. Far right lower corner is Margie, who directed the Senior Show and was the Queen of Cool, as far as I knew at the time. At her right is the girl who did props and makeup (can't remember her name now), and to her right is my childhood friend Steve. Behind Steve, lying on the couch is my sister Joan, very happy that I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable. 

About twenty-five years ago, I found the old square Polaroid picture in a photo album my sister, the family curator, had saved. It wasn't in great shape and after I scanned it in, I cropped out some distressed areas. You're seeing a blow-up of that crop, which is why the quality is so bad. But that's beside the point, right?

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      203.4 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/2):              201.4 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     +   2.0 lbs.

Diet Comment

I don't get it. I don't see where what I ate yesterday would have caused such a dramatic one-day weight gain. A couple of slices of bread that didn't weigh more than three ounces between them shouldn't have had that great an effect.

Food Log

Breakfast
6:40pm:  

Omelet with peppers, onion, greens, chia seeds, hemp seeds, feta and parmesan cheeses and bacon.

Lunch

7:15pm: A Quest bar.

Dinner 

1:20am:  Dubliner cheese and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 86+ oz. and a nice pour of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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#1760, Wednesday, November 2: No comment

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Post 1760, Day 307 of 2016
- 2,133 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Nothing today.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.4 lbs.

Previous Weight (11/1):              201.6 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

This isn't really a loss - two-tenths of a pound could mean anything. But it's pretty good that it isn't a gain.

Food Log

Breakfast
3:45pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

6:15pm, at CoreLife Eatery:

Broccoli-cheddar soup with chicken: Vegetable broth, chopped fresh broccoli, Vermont white cheddar, cauliflower puree, carrots, celery, scallions and grilled chicken.

Dinner 

1:45am:  London broil sandwich (on Ezekiel 4:9 Flax sprouted grain bread with Philippe's hot mustard), with a large salad (kale, spinach, chard, cabbage, shaved parmesan and balsamic vinaigrette), and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 76+ oz. and 2 shots of Jameson's Irish whiskey

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#1759, Monday, November 1: No comment

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Post 1759, Day 306 of 2016
- 2,132 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Nothing today.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      201.6 lbs.

Previous Weight (10/31):             202.0 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   0.4 lbs.

Diet Comment

I'll take the unexpected win today - I thought I was in for a gain after eating the big block of cheese last thing before bed.

Food Log

Breakfast
5:15pm:  Green protein smoothie with coconut milk, kefir, extra-large organic egg, chia gel, kale, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, celery, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, coconut oil and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

9:15pm:  A Quest bar.

Dinner 
1:10am:  London broil, cheddar cheese, celery and home-made mayonnaise and a Quest bar.

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 22 oz.;  Tea: 0 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz.

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#1578, Monday, October 31: Music appreciation

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Post 1758, Day 305 of 2016
- 2,131 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

My relationship with music, in general, has changed dramatically over time.

Major changes have coincided with the two main relationships I had.

When I met Nell, in 1983, I was still making a little music, but mostly I had become a listener, albeit a dedicated one. I went to concerts more than bars to hear music, but I still did both, and I was still a participant in the New York City music scene. In the course of that relationship, though, I gave up playing bass almost entirely .

After our separation, I found quite a lot of healing by returning to playing.

Which is what I was doing when I met Kathy.

In the aftermath of the crash of that relationship, I sold my high-end stereo and pretty much stopped listening to music. Even on the radio, I listened to news. Newly impoverished, I stopped going to concerts. I stopped playing, too.

And re-started after a little bit of recovery, and found, through playing, a new community and new happiness.

But I never got back to listening.

Now I think of myself as a producer of music, not so much a consumer. It isn't a competitive or commercial thing for me, so I don't worry about keeping up with the latest trends. I'm not interested in musical trends. What little new music I hear comes to me from Alex, and his taste is different than mine, just as his exposure is different - he listens for new sounds, I don't.

On the other hand, my favorite playing situation is with my band, and that is new music - it just isn't played anywhere else, and my relationship with it is as a producer, not as a listener. That music doesn't have a period, doesn't have a 'where was I when I first heard it' reference tag.

I have internalized my music, but accept that I need others to make it with and perform it for.

I have no interest in big concerts any more. It has been five years since I enjoyed myself at a big concert (Bruce Springsteen), but only a few years since I went to one. I also find festivals no longer do it for me.

Part of the reason is that most of my friends are musicians these days, and are, like me, more involved in playing music than listening to it. I would rather go out and hear them play at a local place, as a show of support and friendship, than hear the once- or now-famous play at the larger venues.

Food and Diet

Today's Weight:                      202.0 lbs.

Previous Weight (10/28):             204.2 lbs.

Net Loss/Gain:                     -   2.2 lbs.

Diet Comment

Towing the line - mostly - this weekend got my weight moving in the direction I wanted it to move. Goal: Sustain for the week.

Food Log

Breakfast
2:35pm:  A Quest bar.

Lunch

7:15pm:  Dal Maktanda - lentil and red bean curry - with steamed greens, chia seeds and hemp seeds over spaghetti squash.

Dinner 
12:10am:  London broil, cole slaw and a Quest bar.

Snack 
1:15am:  A big hunk of cheddar cheese. Uh-oh!

Liquid Intake

   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Tea: 16 oz.;  Water: 80+ oz.

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