#1519, Tuesday, October 13: Alone, not lonely

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Post 1519, Day 286 of 2015
- 1,747 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I am a loner. An extroverted loner (is that an oxymoron?).

I am rarely lonely, although frequently alone.

A few of my friends are very concerned that there is no woman in my life.

My lack of a female partner not an accident. I have avoided romantic relationships since my last one, that ended almost seven years ago.

I know the reasons, or at least, the rationalization for this. It isn't that complicated.

First off, of course, is the pain that last relationship caused has made me "gun-shy". When I moved up to Syracuse, I avoided any commitment to anything, seeing it as a distraction from my healing process. I didn't isolate myself, but I was avoiding any complication not immediately contributing to my 'recovery'.

That actually worked out pretty well for me. Preferring the commitment-free open mic to band membership introduced me to the Syracuse music community, which has been a major contributor to my current state of happiness.

Which leads to another reason I am not in a committed relationship: What I do to satisfy my social and artisitic needs (playing bass) is, even in an ensemble, a singular thing. At no point does it require assistance, and the joy I get in my playing can be communicated, and even shared with others, but is, nonetheless, a solitary endeavor that requires no supporting relationship. In fact, I have met several women who declared that they would never date a musician (in a couple of cases, specifically, a bass player) because they are not willing to put as much into the relationship as they are to their music. Me, to a tee.

There is also all the baggage I carry around with me. Sort of. My relationship needs are not simple. I need someone aligned with my beliefs; someone willing to accept who I am now, not some potential version of me that fits their mate-model and life-plan; someone willing to deal with the 'us' part as open-ended; someone with no expectations; someone who understands my need for alone time. These are things I have never actually encountered in another human being. They aren't even true of me (all the time, anyway).

These things, it seems to me, require some sacrifice on the part of my partner, some part of them that could, potentially, involve putting my needs above theirs.

Something I would never knowingly ask another person to do, except on a purely exceptional basis. I have to admit, I would probably not do this for anybody else.

I don't think anybody wants THAT kind of relationship, can't understand why anybody would, and I'm not sure I would find someone who did attractive to me. I do not have a need or desire to dominate or subjugate another human being.

If this seems like the old Groucho Marx comment about refusing to be a member of any club that would have me, so be it.

I guess what it comes down to is not feeling a need for a relationship. All the things I want in someone else I am currently giving myself.

The one thing that I cannot give myself is the extraordinary intimacy I have seen in long-term couples. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'm emotionally equipped to deal with that, either - I feel pretty phobic when it comes to intimacy.

So, I'm feeling fine about not being in a relationship, and while I think I'm still open to one, I'm not pursuing it, either - I'm not feeling any lack. No need for the romance of someone to 'complete' me.

In sum, I need a partner, not a lover.

Alone but not lonely. Loving, but not 'in love'. Happy.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   205.0 lbs

Previous Weight (10/8):           209.6 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 4.6 lbs

Diet Comment

Thanks to a long weekend spent in near-complete indolence, including skipping breakfasts every day, almost all the vacation weight gain has been reversed. Unfortunately, late night snacking, and a heavy hit of Irish whiskey may halt my progress.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Snack
A cheese danish (fail! But really, I haven't had one in years. It was too tempting. Good, too).

Lunch
Roast beef with a salad of kale, spinach and chard with shaved parmesan cheese.

Snack
Almond butter.

Dinner 
At the Flat Iron Grill: Bacon.

Snack
Chicken, celery with home-made mayonnaise.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 82+ oz.; and a big pour of Jameson's Irish whiskey.

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#1518, Friday, October 9: On open mics (warning: More than you care about)

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Post 1518, Day 282 of 2015
- 1,743 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

While at a new open mic last night, the topic of open mic problems came up. It's something I know a bit about.

There used to be a time when informal jams (depending on the genre, the back porch sessions, the loft sessions, the garage sessions where musicians informally got together to mix it up in an unrehearsed, low-pressure environment) moved to a club or bar and were very popular.

That was a win-win for musicians/entertainers and bar and club owners.

Since only the host musicians got paid (and usually less, as they weren't playing the whole time), and the other musicians participating would actually spend money at the club or bar, the bar owner got cheap entertainment and some guaranteed income from the other participants for an off-night (when the musicians were otherwise not working).

The musicians had a chance to learn by playing with people with different levels of skill, professionalism, maturity, and experience who they might not otherwise get to play with. They got to showcase their talent, and network professionally and socially.

Music fans got to hear good music, hear musicians they might otherwise not hear, and get less expensive entertainment than at the typical weekend concert.

The host musicians were responsible for keeping things moving, managing the signup list, filling in musically where needed, and keeping the crowd engaged.

Good for everybody, right?

Well, you know how it goes when you try to please everybody.

First of all, in the move from closed and private to open and public, these jams incorporated elements that were missing (and, for the most part, unwanted) from a typical jam session. Musicians started showing up with their bands, to showcase (as in, audition), and not to make music with new people.

The difference between an open mic, a jam session and a showcase has also blurred, compared to the definitions I grew up with. This is because some operators don't know the difference, or ignore the differences to try and attract musicians and audience. So, the lines get blurred.

At an open mic, different singers step up and lead. They may play with the house band, but usually it's a solo performance, much like a showcase. This format is almost never done 'purely' any more, thanks to the introduction of karaoke in the late 1970s.

At a jam session, musicians are mixed and matched up, so different lineups play, and the musicians get to play with different personnel, sometimes with different genres.

At a showcase, a musician or a band gets the spotlight to do their music, 'auditioning for the audience' as it was. The idea is to demonstrate gig-worthiness.

These days, most open mics are a mix of the three.

The post-MADD, post-disco, post-MTV live music industry saw a decline in small-show music attendance. It was more difficult to attract non-musicians. This led to a decline in participation at open mics/jams by both musicians and non-musicians.

Some full-time musicians began to resent the unpaid performers at the open mics, feeling that it was hurting their prospects for income, and stopped supporting the tradition.

When it comes to weekend open mics, I actually agree with this position - clubs should hire musicians on the weekends, and not showcase free talent. (Not a quality issue, an economic one).

Another problem that has arisen lately is that open mic traditions are being lost and abandoned.

Musicians show up, do their set and leave - not supporting the musicians who come after them. This means the latest Musicians expect other musicians to know the exact parts played on the recordings of songs they want to play. Musicians are not interested in challenges or experiments, focused not on ensemble playing, but only on their own performance, so the music isn't good, and the audience gets lost.

Me? I love a jam. I love open mics. I want all the things that make a good open mic or jam. I like the emphasis on ensemble (at open mics I have liked, groups get more time than soloists), I like the musical and social networking that takes place, and I particularly like it when an ensemble pulls off an improvised set.

In a world of my design, the open mic, bastard of the jam session and the showcase, would be a destination for people looking for good music.

I clearly didn't design the world that prefers the digital music experience, which allows for music not made by humans, that cannot be reproduced by live musicians in front of space shared with an audience.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   209.6 lbs

Previous Weight (10/8):           211.2 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 2.4 lbs

Diet Comment

Excellent. Almost nine-and-a-half pounds lost in the last four days, which is half the weight I put on while on vacation, and puts me below the trend-line.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Roast beef with scrambled eggs and cheese.

Dinner 
Wild caught salmon burger with cole slaw, a salad of kale, spinach and chard with parmesan shavings and balsamic vinaigrette and a Quest bar for dessert.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 92+ oz. 

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#1517, Thursday, October 8: Nothing, nothing...

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Post 1517, Day 281 of 2015
- 1,742 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I have nothing to say.

So, just the food today.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   211.2 lbs

Previous Weight (10/7):           211.8 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 0.6 lbs

Diet Comment

Slowed, but not stopped. Given last night's a) late dinner, b) rice cheat and 3) alcohol consumption, I actually expected a slight gain. I am obviously resetting down to my normal range (I'm about 6 pounds over that).

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Roast beef.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Dinner 
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Snack
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz. 

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#1516, Wednesday, October 7: Gossip: Boo-o-o

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Post 1516, Day 280 of 2015
- 1,741 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Last night, an acquaintance expressed a raised-eyebrow opinion about the relationship between someone (who was present at the open mic) with someone else we both know. I replied that I didn't think it was any of my business, and wasn't interested in hearing any negativity about something I knew nothing about.

I will say this: I hate gossip.

Nobody has enough insight into anyone else to know why people do what they do. When we're talking about relationships (two or more other people), ignorance of the relationship dynamics and of the backgrounds of the people in it, and of the psychological internals, along with a host of other unknowns, should give anybody pause before making judgment on what is going on.

For that matter, I think judging other people and their actions isn't healthy behavior. Gossip is nothing more than trying to get someone else to agree with your opinion, your judgment, about something that isn't your concern.

Can there be anything healthy, productive, helpful, or useful about that?

I don't think so. So, when I get involved, I always try and redirect towards some non-judgmental view of the subject. Minimally, I pose an alternate, positive reason for whatever shade (is gossip ever positive?) is being thrown at a person.

I also make it clear that I don't want to discuss the qualities of people not present, except in a most positive way, and especially not say anything behind someone's back I wouldn't, or better, haven't said to their face.

This seems so obvious to me that I am surprised when I encounter a gossipy person. I admit that my knee-jerk response is to make a negative judgment about the person who does this - it takes me a minute to remember I don't know anything about the motivation that leads someone to do this.

It really does come down to not saying anything when you can't say something nice.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   211.8 lbs

Previous Weight (10/6):           214.8 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 3.0 lbs

Diet Comment

The weight came on quick, it's going away quick (almost 8 pounds in 3 days!).

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
At Core:

Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and romaine, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg, broccoli, mushrooms and bleu cheese dressing).

Dinner 
At the Ridge:  Grilled chicken with rice pilaf and sautéed spinach (the best I've ever eaten) and a mixed salad with blue cheese and oil and vinegar.

Snack
Almond butter.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 3;  Coffee: 6 oz.;  Water: 92+ oz. A small glass of Pinot Noir; a shot of Jameson's.

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#1515, Tuesday, October 6: Joy of the jam

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Post 1515, Day 279 of 2015
- 1,740 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I think I am recovered from my flight back.

Tonight I got to do one of the things I enjoy most in bass playing: Playing in the house band of an open mic.

Not a whole lot of things I enjoy more than playing with a variety of different musicians. That includes the other members of the house band, all of whom I've played with before, but, while we all enjoy those times, they've been rare. This is a dream gig for me because of my affection for these musicians.

The other aspect I enjoy is playing with different musicians who bring different material, requirements, and expectations to their set. This challenges me like nothing else, and I like that kind of challenge a lot.

There was a real love-fest among the members of the house band (Raw Meat) at the end of the night, with a closing jam that was possibly the highlight of the evening. 

This was my first night at this open mic. The turnout was excellent, to the point where we couldn't put more names on the list. It was everything I wanted it to be, and it makes me hopeful the jam will (continue to) be successful.


However, whether it is or isn't, it is fun, I'm meeting new people, and there's every possibility that good things will come from this. It doesn't hurt that it is a regular weekly gig, a minor source of income from now 'til Spring.

There is certainly nothing about it that makes me actually worry about its future, and, after all, nobody knows the future, so I'll just roll with whatever comes up.

It's kind of a specialty of mine.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   214.8 lbs

Previous Weight (10/5):           219.0 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 4.2 lbs

Diet Comment

I expected to lose some of the weight quickly, and a near-fast due to not feeling well did, indeed, drop a lot off quickly. If you look closely at the chart, you can see my weight re-entering the graph area.

Food Log

Breakfast
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch
Roast beef and cole slaw.

Dinner 
Bacon.

Snack 
A Quest bar and almond butter.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 72+ oz.

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#1514, Monday, October 5: Back from LA

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Post 1514, Day 278 of 2015
- 1,739 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I'm back from LA. It was an excellent vacation, and, although my longest time ever in LA, It seems to have sped past.

For all the good times, there was one negative, and I am completely responsible for it.

I got fat. I estimate at the peak of my fatness, about eleven days in, I had put on more than fifteen pounds.

To be fair, I probably started gaining that weight before I even left for the airport.

And, it came along with a lot - I mean a LOT - of good dining. But that was an endless string of meals eaten out. Diet death.

I did not let the certain knowledge that this was happening interfere with my having a good time. And it did not. Nothing did.

I came back yesterday crazy jet-lagged, but after a short nap, I had a lot of energy, and went out to a jam to play and enjoy other players. Then I went to a concert. Then another jam.

I woke up with the alarm today, feeling absolutely wretched.

I took a sick day. I went back to sleep, but I had an upset stomach that kept me close by the bathroom, and didn't sleep well. When I felt a little better, I went to the post office and picked up my held mail, then replaced my lost driver's license. Then, not much.

When I wake up tomorrow, vacation is officially over.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   219.0 lbs

Previous Weight (9/18):           204.6 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:               + 14.4 lbs

Diet Comment

Seventeen days of mostly off-plan eating. A weight gain of just under a pound a day. My weight is off the charts. You will not be seeing any cheats for a while, I think. Also, there will probably be fasting.

Food Log

Breakfast
Skipped.

Lunch
Skipped.

Dinner 
A couple of Quest bars.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz.

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#1513, Friday, September 18: See you in October

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Post 1513, Day 261 of 2015
- 1,722 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Today's will be my last update for about two weeks.

First thing next week I'm flying out to LA.

This will be the last time I visit LA before my retirement. I don't know when I will get back out... I'm thinking it might be April of next year, but whenever it is, I'm intending to drive out.

Like all plans, subject to God's hilarious response.

Okay, I'm just kidding. There is no anthropomorphic Deity.

I am hoping, while there, to visit friends, see some music, maybe get to play. Of course, the main reason is to spend time with Alex.

However, this time around, with his current job, I will have more time to myself on this longer-than usual vacation. There are some things I want to do with him, some things I want to do that don't (necessarily) include him (although, anything I do he's welcome to join in with).

Over the years, the visits have gotten better and better.

I'm almost liking LA now. See you with the results of the trip when I post my October 5 update (on October 6).

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   204.6 lbs

Previous Weight (9/17):           206.4 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 1.8 lbs

Diet Comment

I had back pain yesterday, and skipped out of work after the lunch I wrote about. I didn't do much the rest of the day, and didn't eat particularly well at night, consuming too much almond butter. But I did get some extra sleeping in.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
Skipped.

Snack 
A Quest bar.

Dinner 
At Blarney Stone Inn: Happy hour plus birthday party meant eating a lot of crap, including pizza, some kind of club sandwich, and a bacon cheeseburger with chips and a piece of birthday cake.

Snack 
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 1;  Coffee: 24 oz.;  Water: 88+ oz.

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#1512, Thursday, September 17: A rare conversation

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Post 1512, Day 260 of 2015
- 1,721 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I made a new friend today. I'd backed a duo he was in at a jam; they liked my playing, and he wanted to explore the possibility of playing more with me.

We had lunch at Core. He hadn't been there before, and he loved it.

He's a little older than me, and, while not from the area, he has been here most of his adult life. We share a love of music, which of course is how we met.

His musical ambitions are modest. He appreciated my frankness about not joining his group, but being available to play with him on a one-off basis, availability permitting. We talked about our past, music, how we got from 'then' to 'now'.

I'm only bringing this up because this sort of thing, a one-on-one conversation with someone I didn't know, hasn't happened in the six years I've lived here in Syracuse. Now I've made a new friend.

I typically engage new friends in between playing - a few minutes here, a few minutes there, rarely one-on-one. Those type of substantive conversations have been rare and limited to people with whom I have already established friendships.

So, nice change-up, and, as always, going with the flow, being flexible and open, wins the day.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   206.4 lbs

Previous Weight (9/16):           206.0 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                + 0.4 lbs

Diet Comment

I blame my weight gain on my high-carb dinner. That's the problem once your body adjusts to lower carbs, even high-quality carbohydrates like those found in beans and quinoa can screw with your metabolism.

Food Log

Breakfast
Skipped.

Lunch
At Core:

Steak, bacon and bleu cheese salad: Chopped romaine + mesclun mix, grilled steak, bacon, cranberries, walnuts, tomatoes, gorgonzola, and bleu cheese dressing with a touch of sriracha.

Snack 
A Quest bar.

Dinner 
Roast beef with guacamole and cole slaw.

Snack 
A Quest bar and almond butter.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 0;  Coffee: 0 oz.;  Water: 48+ oz.

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#1511, Wednesday, September 16: A funny thing about gratitude

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Post 1511, Day 259 of 2015
- 1,720 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

I write often, or mention often, being grateful.

Gratitude has become an important, central, essential, habitual, defining idea to me.

I am grateful for so much, not the least (in fact, maybe the most) because I am alive to express it, and grateful for being live. As my friend Darren said to me yesterday, "Any day you're vertical you should be grateful."

Amen.

Being grateful straightens out my mind. It is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It is all I need to remember - to be grateful - when I'm otherwise in a bad mood.

I believe that being grateful feeds my overall optimism - and vice versa. Same for my consistent happiness and good spirits. I'm grateful for both, and that makes me happier and puts me in a better mood.

Being grateful is a decision I make, as is being happy. Neither comes from external circumstances. Both, though, affect external circumstances.

Funny how that works.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   206.0 lbs

Previous Weight (9/15):           207.0 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 1.0 lbs

Diet Comment

Got away with it: Even a little ice cream can't slow me down.

Food Log

Breakfast
Protein shake with almond-coconut milk, kefir, kale, extra-large organic egg, whey powder (36g protein), hemp seeds, hemp protein (7g protein), raw organic cacao powder, chia gel, moringa leaf powder, cinnamon, celery and stevia-inulin blend.

Lunch

Salmon salad (Wild Alaska pink salmon, celery, mayonnaise) on baby kale, baby spinach, chard and cole slaw mix.

Dinner 
Quinoa, lentils, onions, peppers and ground beef. I took a picture but it looked awful, which it was definitely not, so I didn't use it. Also, a Quest bar.

Snack 
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 20 oz.;  Water: 64+ oz. A shot of Jameson's, neat, in a rocks glass.

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#1510, Tuesday, September 15: Letting go of my self

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Post 1510, Day 258 of 2015
- 1,719 days since I started this blog -

Daily Comment

Things are good for me now, but I wouldn't have any of this if I hadn't learned to let go of my ideas of who I am.

That's the teaching of Lao-Tzu: "When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be."

That doesn't mean it's easy, or that I applied this lesson - it was "forced" on me by circumstance.

Defining yourself is limiting. That's pretty obvious, but only in hindsight.

I went from someone I thought I was to someone who didn't know who he was. It's cliche, sure, but I lost myself, then, over some time, found myself.

I was fairly wealthy, middle-class, head-of-household, with the proverbial house and white picket fence, a wife, and a classically rebellious teenager. I worried about my investments, my health, my status. I was happy my past was past, and had an optimistic outlook on the future.

All of that vanished over a relatively short period of time. My wife left, and my home and wealth disappeared along with her. My teenager entered his twenties and went out on his own. My past offered no comfort, and at least one of my friends peered into my future and pronounced me as "totally fucked."

Recovering didn't begin by letting go so much as by being forced to accept that my self-definition was no longer correct, and no correct definition had taken its place.

Looking back now, my idea of who I was was significantly flawed, and being stripped of most of my self-identifying characteristics caused me a lot of anguish. It took a while for me to realize what was really going on.

Circumstances demanded I go on with my life without a good idea of who I was, or of what I would become. I went forward only to survive until I found myself.

And something like that is what happened. I took things as they came, hacking away at the remnants of my past life that were pulling me back, without worrying about what I would become. I slowly realized that defining myself was limiting me to doing what I had done, and I realized how that wasn't working for me. Instead, I became nimble at abandoning preconceptions when they didn't jibe with how I perceived the present.

The present delivered. I don't know how much wisdom I gained. I still sometimes try and control things, and have to remind myself to let go and let things unfold. I have to remember to practice patience, not just say I possess it.

True wisdom wouldn't need those reminders. Or maybe, true wisdom is knowing that I do.

Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:                   207.0 lbs

Previous Weight (9/14):           209.0 lbs

Day Net Loss/Gain:                - 2.0 lbs

Diet Comment

One day of getting back to what's good, and the weight comes off.

Food Log

Breakfast
A Quest bar.

Lunch
At Core:

Chicken Cobb salad (shredded kale and romaine, grilled chicken, avocado, bacon, hard-cooked egg, broccoli, mushrooms and bleu cheese dressing).

Snack 
A medium cup of vanilla chocolate soft-serve ice cream.

Dinner 
Cheeseburger, cole slaw, and a Quest bar.

Snack 
A Quest bar.

Liquid Intake
   Espressos: 2;  Coffee: 20 oz.;  Water: 88+ oz.

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